If ever you formed part of the corporate world you’d be familiar with courses and training on bullying, harassment and victimisation. The main message behind it: Intent does not matter. Impact does. The reason for that is in the olden days victims were dismissed. It was a joke, they are too sensitive etc.

The problem nowadays are, intent and motive is not really considered.  Even though it does matter. Sometimes the intent of something and actual impact is low risk, even though the proclaimed impact is higher. Sometimes there are truly severe intentions behind actions, but the impact is dismissed because of who the person is; maybe even deserved that treatment if you want to justify it. Most if the time there is misalignment between intent and impact.

However, I want to look at intent and impact outside of the workplace. Those negligible relationships with our loved ones, because we assume they have to accept all parts of us. Those sharp words and insults we give to the ones closest to us, because they can handle it. Handle us.

The frustrated teenager yelling at their mom that they hate them, when a boundry is established. A husband snapping at his wife, because they’ve discussed it so many times before. The friend getting angry, because they are still not following sound advice. Siblings swearing at each other because the one gets more than the other. A parent impatiently disciplining their child. Just to name a few – I’m sure we all have our own examples in our lives.

In short: the people we are most comfortable throwing our tantrums at – because they know and love us.

Where is our intent and impact on all of this? The intent as a teenager yelling at mom, wasn’t evil. Or in my case, more a university student. Late bloomer. My behaviour then, had very little to do with my mother. Even though I blamed her for placing restrictions on me, it was more to do with my own frustrations and dealing with things not really working out the way I planned it would. My own selfishness.

We tend to project our own fears onto someone else. And the more out of control we feel, the more erratic we can behave. Which raises the question – what is this need for control we feel? And who benefits from it?

Because the intent might be because of our own insecurities, which deserves a level of sympathy. But what is the long term impact all around? And how long can that be our excuse?

What happens when someone else becomes your metaphorical punching bag? Your spouse; friends; children; parents? When does your need for control override someone else’s support structure and safe nervous system? When does that need to control a specific situation, means you no longer control your own emotions or take accountability?

Because the impact goes deep. Especially with our loved ones. The ones that support us and encourage us. The ones that help us carry those burdens. Until they no longer want to share in the heavy weight anymore. Is it still their fault even then?

For me, intent and motive ALWAYS matters. If someone isn’t intentionally putting me down and they are mean because of frustration, or is even just sharp because of fear and insecurity  – I can take a lot of it. But repeat behaviour  – that’s when the intent changes. Because it’s now habitual. And it means all negativity is now intentional. Intentional hurt. Intentional harm.

When we cannot climb out of our own heads, when we cannot look beyond our own wants and needs – this is where we will end up. Bitter, jaded, not truly caring about other people’s welfare. Our capacity becomes so small – because of our own choices. And our inability to see it.

It does not have to be that way, though.

We all have the ability to contain our emotions. To treat others with consideration. To respect ourselves. We won’t need to continuously apologise for the same thing, when we have positive changes within our control.

I was told again this weekend that I have this sunshine and roses vision of some things. And that’s not real life.

I do not accept that. Misery is addictive. Self pity is addictive. Anger, spite, hatred – all of those things. It will bring you nowhere. Just because bad things happen to people, doesn’t mean we have to live like we are mourning every day. We don’t need to look for negativity behind each sentence.

If I want my choices to have a good impact on those around me (and myself) – I better make sure I’m intentional with how I treat them. And yes, it’s not always easy. Because we need to be able to be vulnerable. Have our breakdowns. But we also need to be able to fix and move on. Not continue to break those we love, down.

Intent matters. Impact matters. The one does not exist without the other. If we are more aware of our own motives, the real motives – maybe then we’ll have a better understanding of the impact of our own emotions. And realise that if it’s our choices that created this spiral  – different choices will bring us out of it. Unless of course both intent and impact is to deliberately cause harm, with no intention to change. Then this message is probably of no use.

But – we can be positively intentional. If we simply choose to.

Have a lovely impactful week friends!