There’s a story about a set of male twins. The one is a stable man with a family. Good job, dedicated and trustworthy. The other twin is an unreliable alcoholic, in a perpetual state of self-pity. If you asked both of them what formed their decisions  – they gave the same answer.
They were the way they were, because of their father.

You see, the father was an unreliable alcoholic who blamed everyone else for his circumstances. The one brother looked at this and decided that he will absolutely not be like that. Every single choice was to not end up like his father. The second twin felt that the example set, was the example followed.

And maybe it didn’t start out that way. Maybe he did make different decisions. But because there was no accountability, or he was rarely told no – when things went off course – he behaved exactly like his dad. And it became habits and then part of his character.

Two brothers so different for the exact same reason. The one knowing he had the potential to be like his dad and making daily intentional decisions to not be like that. The other brother living unintentionally.

Are we actually living intentionally or are we just winging it and hoping it lands correctly?

In my 1st year at varsity, I remember studying for my 1st test. The exact same way I did in school. Which wasn’t too hard. If I paid attention in class and studied a mild amount – I would have done okay. But this wasn’t school and at some point – winging it will no longer work. And it didn’t. I had to work harder, put in more effort.

We can do the same thing for years. Impulsive choices, play pretend, fibs, self focused – and nothing bad will happen. But at some point – winging it will run its course and we’ll be left wanting. And in all honesty – it doesn’t matter how other people see us. It never mattered, despite how we feel.
But it’s the damage we cause to ourselves. The heaviness of our own baggage. The bitterness, isolation, anger and reactive behaviour. The debilitating fear of losing control…

How do we respond when we’ve lost control over a situation or even a person? Do we attack and insult others? Do we scheme and plan? How far are we willing to go to be in control, before we reach acceptance. If we reach it at all?

Sometimes, we lose control – because it was never ours to control. Other times we lose control because of our own choices. How many people go to bed every night, without realising that their decisions lead them to where they are?

And we are influenced by others. That is why it’s so important to be intentional with who you choose to influence you and vice versa. If your foundation is shaken and mild paranoia is part of your thinking – are you kept grounded, or do you spiral. And if you spiral – does those close to you give objective perspective? Or just mirror your sentiments?

I’ve realised a long time ago, if certain conversations leave me confused – it’s because the words and reality does not align. Step away from those conversations and people for clarity. You will break your brain trying to understand things, that’s deliberately hidden.

I had a very frustrating time in an investigation at work two years ago, when an untruthful situation was highlighted, but despite evidence – the people involved kept on hiding and manipulating the truth. I thought that surely at some point they will admit to it, because the evidence were so clear. They did not. They doubled down. And I remember thinking: Why am I forced to listen to this? It’s wasting my time and causing frustration? But then I realised that sometimes the reality is too hard for someone to face. Because once you start avoiding the truth – it becomes part of your being.

Which brings me back to the hypothetical twins and their dad. Because each one of those twins represent us. Our decisions and road we follow. A good life is formed by making consistently good choices. A bad life might have looked good at one point, because a bad choice doesn’t necessarily look bad right now. But continuous bad decisions will lead to to a shaky path.
And take note – it’s not someone else’s choices that bring you there. But our choices impact other people.

One day, we will see ourselves through the eyes of those we hurt. And we will not like it. We can blame them, get angry, and cut them from our lives. Or we can acknowledge what we did and intentionally make better decisions every day going forward.

I sometimes feel like a record stuck in the same mode – saying the same thing over and over again. But being a slave to our own emotions and making decisions based on that – the consequences is just too big.

And as always – our lives are not our own – even if we think its is. We are not a bad person because we made some bad choices or were harsh sometimes. But if we continuously make the same bad choices and behave cruel, at some point the defences will be running low. Apologising for the same thing without changing, will only lead to thinking no apology is required anymore.

It helps to be transparent with yourself. I highly recommend it. Because if we are not honest with ourselves, we’ll most definitely not be honest with anybody else.

I believe that mistakes are normal and okay. Habitual bad choices, however, changes integrity. And the longer we lack transparency about ourselves – the further away we move from living intentionally. I can’t speak for anyone else, but to live intetionally is also to live with a purpose. And that is more meaningful than winging on its best day.

Two types of living. Realising how we can be and living purposely; or just winging it and being constantly swayed to a point where we are lost.

So… which twin are you becoming?