The month of September had great significance for me this year. As I take time to reflect I need to be careful about my perspective – for it’s almost a repetition of last September. It’s been a very tough year and I’ve had more WTF moments than ever before.  Used, bruised and battered (literally also – I cannot remember the last time I did not have bruises somewhere). I approached this September very cautiously and scared – the signs were there; and despite my best efforts – it ended in an eerily similar manner to how it did last year September. Except for the crying on the carpet part. Well, there was a little bit of crying on the carpet, but that was mainly due to the 2-week delay on the delivery of my new couch and I’ve had very uncomfortable seating arrangements.

It’s weird when doing self-reflection and you find yourself in the same position as exactly a year ago. The amount of self-blame and disbelief. The reality that you have nothing to show for your efforts. The realisation, that despite your sincere compassion and understanding, while simultaneously trying to get yourself out of your own dark pit – you find yourself there again. The favour was not returned. And again, you have to try and fix what has been broken by situations outside of your control – with an almost carelessness that floors you. The load on your shoulders that someone else haphazardly placed there. Or even worse – the fact that you have no one else to blame but yourself.

That carpet looks pretty inviting then…

My apologies, for burdening you with my baggage, but I promise – there’s method to my madness.

In moments when you are in that ‘oh so familiar’ metaphorical pit – you also have a choice in front of you. Are you going to fight, crawl and become engulfed with the sticky and suffocating mud around you? Or are you going to close your eyes, breathe, pray and float out of the pit? A strange comparison – because surely, we can’t float out of our circumstances? When you have no more fight, flight or fizz in you, and you simply look for peace and grace – you will find it and float. And maybe, even fly.

That is why I said, if I am not careful about how I look at it – it will all feel the same. And for a moment – it did. But it’s not the same. There are so many precious things that I have learned, that will lift the burden off my shoulders. I will list just a couple – even though I have been sharing them all through this year:

1. Our choices in life has consequences. The more selfish our choices are, the bigger the burden for other people. You can’t decide for other people, but you shouldn’t be reckless with your own choices. We think selfish decisions protect us, but it really does the opposite in the long run.

2. Our minds are where self-discipline starts. Trash in, is trash out. As simple as that.

3. It’s okay to be melodramatic sometimes. But a state of melodrama is unhealthy – do not indulge it.

4. Sometimes people won’t take accountability for their actions. There is nothing you can do about it. To admit to our own shortcomings is very difficult. Forgive them and let them go. Seriously – let it go.

5. Pure intentions doesn’t equal good consequences. Intentions are two dimensional in a 3D world.

6. Some people are perfectly happy to live in a delusional world. It’s their choice. If you are not like that, that is your choice. Not everyone is willing to change.

7. It is not our duty to bring people to justice for their mistakes. It is our duty to learn from our own mistakes and have empathy and sympathy with others – even when we don’t feel like it.

8. Not everyone will understand your hurt. They have their own issues they are dealing with. We tend to isolate ourselves around our problems and block everyone else out. The best thing to do, when you are hurting, is to help someone else in need.

9. Be honest with yourself, if you can’t be honest with yourself, everyone else just becomes collateral damage in your web. The truth is not ours to distort the way we want to.

10. Situations out of your comfort zone is not bad for you. It challenges the way we think and teaches us to change our perspective and look at things differently. Comfort is convenient, uneasiness is growth – stability is neutral in both instances.

I have ended a year of Septembers. A loop of before’s. Some stories are retold with a happy ending and some stories become papers in the wind – never to be mentioned again. A fanfare of doors slamming in all directions. It goes beyond Deja-vu. The biggest change is not in the specific situation, or the lack of change in other people. The biggest change was me. Not major, but ever so slightly. After the initial onslaught of familiar and unwanted emotions – I had a different choice to make this year. I don’t want to be stuck, and I don’t have to be.

There is always something to be grateful for. Always. Even if the clouds look a bit foggy right now, this feeling, right now – is not forever.

When we go through life’s challenges and we learn from it – the challenges doesn’t stop coming – we do however learn to deal with it better. Sometimes we need to learn the same lesson twice, before it sinks in. But once we realise that we have grown, that we are still growing – everything else just becomes a little bit easier.

Happy October friends!