When Ego’s Stumble

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I walk +/- 1.5km every morning from my car to my office. It is something I thoroughly enjoy. I make sure that I walk on the far-left side of the walkway, in order to leave enough space for the oncoming traffic to comfortably walk past me. Yet, I picked up something interesting. A very small amount of men will not move; or stick to the wide-open space to my right. A subtle hint: The expectation was for me to move for them. And if I did not move off of the sidewalk – there would be a collision.

Hmmm… Women in a male environment… I can already hear the calls against third wave feminist and ‘not all men’. I know – I get you. This is not about that. However, there are definitely some challenges when it comes to women in a predominantly male environment. How we are raised also fundamentally influences how we perceive the other gender. This story is not about that though, but about the willingness to compromise. And also – about my own ego – which I’ll get to in a minute.

A couple of weeks ago, as I routinely made my way up to my office, there was a group of three men approaching me from the opposite direction. They were talking and laughing as they approached. Now – to be honest – I have been overthinking my one-too-many collisions. Where it should have been just a normal ‘eh’ moment and something that shouldn’t take up space in my mind – it became a thing, triggering my sensitivity. I stand an average of 1.68m in my socks and weigh about 58 kilo’s unless I overindulge in Maccy D’s or go through a pity-party where I temporarily struggle to eat. I have no chance in a physical battle. Also – I can be a bit proud.

There is a trick in ‘protecting’ yourself in a walk-in collision – you forcefully step on your colliding side leg and tighten your upper body. I still get bumped, but the damage is less.

As they approached, I noticed that there was no inclination of keeping to the side and I prepared to ‘stand my ground’. If this didn’t turn into an oversensitive thing, I would have noticed that they were simply not focused on the oncoming traffic. And as I prepared for a collision, while greeting them – the man closest, sidestepped away from me. Now, because I was overprepared to not be shoved into oblivion as has happened previously – I firmly stepped into a wall of air when he moved away. It felt like I stepped into a whole new dimension. I was free falling a bit and stumbled over my own feet. I stepped so hard into nothing – my wind was taken right out from me.

And in that moment, I realised – my ego and oversensitivity brought me to a stumble. Am I well within my wishes, to not want to be shoved all over the pavement for those few, that demand submission from strangers? Yes. Did it become a pride thing, where my own behaviour became the greater issue? You already know my answer…

I listened to a podcast last week where they mentioned that a sign of pride and ego was insecurity. And it hit hard. Insecurities come in many forms and that is something that we tend to overlook sometimes. We all want to matter and have purpose. We all have some ideas of how we want other people to see us. But our insecurities come out differently. People often do not see you as you want to be seen, leading to feelings of insecurity.

For me – I ‘fight’. I get defensive and combative; and because I tend to feel so isolated in my insecurities – I push away, despite the fact that it’s probably the last thing I need. That’s me, but we all have our own reactions to our insecurities.

Some people try and make themselves feel more important. The odd self-inflation. The continuous external validation.

Our ego’s get flattered differently. I don’t know what it feels like to have smoke blown up my ass (pardon the vulgarity). I can assume that it feels lovely. My parents had different ideas in the way they raised us. Encouragement – yes. Honesty – brutal.

I think it would feel great if someone just ‘yes man’ everything you say. But the simple fact that I am not too familiar with it, tells me that that is not what I need in life. And also – boy, would that be boring…

When we think of ego, we think of arrogance and over-confidence. A brittle thing that no-one wants shattered. But ego is also just holding on to how we want others to see and treat us. It’s what drives impulsive behaviour. Refusal to acknowledge our vulnerabilities. Time spent to create a platform on others’ perceptions. But all human beings have ego’s. Not just men.

I think we need to be extremely careful when it comes to our motives behind what we do. Doing the right thing, for the wrong reasons – does not equate as good in my opinion. Just as much as doing the wrong thing, for the right reasons is equally negative. It might look good from the outside, but we are deliberately fooling ourselves. And I think it’s absolutely heart-breaking when we forget how to be brutally honest with ourselves. Or if we never learned how to.

I know that my ego sometimes is a well-placed thorn in my flat pumps. As long as my ego is predominant in my motives, my insecurities will be apparent in my outcomes.

I stumbled into a different dimension and in just a short moment stripped from my ego – I again had to laugh at myself. I am responsible for my own motives. To gracefully and gratefully accept the humbling lessons I learn through daily living.

Happy stumbling friends!

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