External validation easily explained, is to get the approval or the recognition from others, to determine its truth or accuracy.

We all have things in our life that we need external validation for. Whether it’s from friends and family, or at work. As human beings, we would like to know that we are on the right track. That our efforts are appreciated.

Social media has developed a more intense need for external validation. It creates some psychological need to get approval from outsiders in order for people to feel like they matter.

Approval matters in the sense that we can’t just do exactly what we want to do or live our lives with no regard for those around us. Our lives are not our own and choices has consequences. Some people’s opinions matter more than others. If a random stranger disapproves of something I subconsciously do at a specific moment – I will definitely not spend a lot of time thinking about it. If someone on my list of 10 people I greatly care about, disapproves – it will bother me for a long time.

That being said – I cannot purely live my life on the approval and disapproval of those around me. It will create a constant state of confusion and exhaustion. I’ve mentioned it before, but I will say it again: decisions based on other people’s expectations only, will leave us with other people’s regrets.

Outside validation is a pleasant concept, though. It’s nice to hear that you are doing a good job; that you are appreciated; that you are loved, even. Nevertheless, in the absence of all of the above-mentioned things – if you were to never receive any external validation on any action you take – does it mean that you are on the wrong track? Or that you do not matter?

I asked my parents a couple of months ago, which career they would have chosen for me. Their response left me unimpressed. They both answered: teaching.

I come from a family of teachers, I used to be a teacher myself. Sure, I was organized, had some level of discipline and probably enjoyed sharing my limited wisdom as a 20-something year old with the kids – if that is all you look at. My parents’ ears have also been privy to my current frustrations, my never-ending challenges, my sometimes actual ‘WTF’ moments. In general – they have been exposed to my current complaints.

Here’s the thing though: they have not seen me in action at work. They have never spent a day with me at any of the mines I have worked at. Nor can they relate to my actual environment, because for most people outside of mining – it’s an unknown.

Oddly, in that moment, I did not need their validation. For one simple reason – I knew, that regardless of every single challenge that I have experienced in this industry – it is continuing to shape and form me as a human being on a level that teaching never would have. The level of satisfaction when a plan comes together – is something I have not experienced as a teacher. Nor can I explain it. It challenges your mind, breaks you down, drags you to bed – with the promise that you try again tomorrow. With just the right combination of hope and delusion.

It does not mean that their opinion isn’t important to me. However, I understand that they also have their own biases, founded on their own experiences and perceptions. I did not need their approval on something that I know is good for me. Even if that comes with some challenges that I will have to overcome myself. I am also very fortunate to have parents that value spiritual growth, more than anything else.

So back to my previous question – if you do not get the approval you desperately crave – how do you know you are on the right track?

It’s probably not the path of least resistance. It’s also not the path that leaves you 100% satisfied all of the time. It is the path that has the most rewards on the long run. The path that shapes and forms you, for when you look back, you’re grateful for that travelled road. Even if it’s not always easy.

So be very careful with the type of approval you feel you need, and from whom. It’s hard when you progress and you feel that what you do is not making a difference. Or that what you are doing is irrelevant. You want to feel validated and appreciated. I absolutely get that.

It’s also not fair to expect other people to constantly give you validation. We often expect it from others, but seldomly want to return it. For the very simple reason – it’s draining.

In all honesty, rather go through life, not getting the external validation on the things that make you a better person; than to get the validation on things that only flatter your ego or gives you a false sense of security.

Validate your ideas from people that have your best interests at heart. You can validate your plans, to ensure you haven’t overlooked anything. Validate your tax, grocery lists, financial decisions. But for the love of all that is good and fluffy – do not validate your insecurities.

I do not give my stamp of approval – not that it should matter anyway.

Happy invalidating friends!