My parents have a beautiful dining set, older than I am. A large table, that can extend, with six very comfortable chairs. Whenever we would have visitors and we exceeded the six-chair variation – my mom would pull out the infamous Broken Chair. The broken chair is not broken per say and it metaphorically refers to numerous chairs at different times.

What needs to be understood about the reference to this chair in its many forms, is it was uncomfortable, ill-fitting and the reject furniture at the table.

My mom would on many occasions sacrifice her own comfort to selflessly sit on the Broken Chair, in order for everyone else to be comfortable. And on so many other times, she would sacrifice me as well. Which became a bit of a problem. It was never my choice, but something I was forced into. And I was not as selfless as my mom wanted me to be.

I have always wanted a say in my own life. If someone else make decisions about something that affects me – I at the very least want to have a conversation about it. If the expectation was for me to sacrifice my comfortable ‘behind’. I wanted to have to choose it.  Negotiate its terms. Taking turns at the very least. My brother didn’t have to sit on the broken chair. It was only my mom and me.

The Tale of the Broken Chair has been quite a contentious issue growing up. In my more recent adult life I have somehow managed to put the chair into two categories from different perspectives.

The first perspective can be seen as me being a little bit of a selfish and entitled brat. Surely one can sacrifice your own comfort for someone else and still have a nice meal? That perspective is not wrong.

So many times, in our lives we are dotingly focused on only ourselves and our immediate surroundings and family. What we want and feel. During those times we can easily be blind to what impact our actions has on other people.

We sometimes miss the true understanding of selfishness, because we have this concept or idea that it refers to a spoilt brat or an over-indulgent person. Self-interest has many forms, though.

It can be to spend your time focussed only on what you don’t have; to settle for a mediocre life, as the status quo is kept. It can be the perfect portrayal to the outside world and the ignorance of the reality. Or it can be overwhelming feelings of self-pity and indulging in negative thoughts. It can be the expectation of gratefulness from someone else, simply because you did something nice – and the utter disappointment thereafter.

The moment our thoughts revolve too much around ourselves, we adjust other people to fit into that idea and align them with our own self-interest.

Again – that does not make you a villain or bad person. In fact – it’s the definition of who human beings are. The problem it creates, is when you are so focussed on yourself – there is no space for authenticity around us. The script has been written. Our problems become so much bigger and unsolvable. We almost look forward to getting upset about things we have so little information on. Everything is reactive and things happen to us, not just happen in general.

To make a sacrifice, to be selfless – is not the end of the world. To do things for other people, because it’s nice – is not the end of the world. To do it and not expect a single thing in return – that is when things get harder. However, to look away from yourself, will always only improve your life – and this is an absolute promise.

Selflessness is so simple in concept – it’s is just not about you right now.

Which also brings me to my second perspective. Expecting other people to make sacrifices on behalf of us, simply because we would do it – will only leave them with resentment and silent anger. To expect something from someone, that they are not willing to give out of their own account – is also not selfless.

We sometimes want to guilt people into behaving in certain ways. Playing on their emotions or sense of ‘doing the right thing’, in order for us to get our way. Even if our intentions are sincere. Some people are genuinely skilled at manipulation. Again – you are not a bad person if you do use feelings and emotions to make other people feel guilty. We all would like to get what we want or what we think is right. But, you are manipulating the circumstances. You are deliberately altering the situation based on your own emotions.

If someone does not make a sacrifice out of their own free will – you might be winning a battle, but losing the war.

This is a mouthful, based on a silly broken chair and a younger Me’s tantrums. Especially since the chair is so much more a hypothetical concept nowadays. Being selfless, while simultaneously understanding that we cannot expect forced sacrifice.

The Broken Chair still exists to some extent. I would like to have my own Broken Chair one day. To keep it on rotation, because selflessness is a gift for all. I like the idea that The Broken Chair will be the chair everyone would choose to sit on – not because it’s expected, but because it comes from the heart. I would like the Chair to be so ridiculously uncomfortable – but that it wouldn’t matter.

The laughter around the table, the shared love and the heartfelt warmth would soften our little butts.

May we all have such a metaphorical chair in our lives – simply to keep us grounded!