Many moons ago at a school camp (I was a student teacher), the camp leader gave a nice speech where he set the standard ground rules and he said something about respect that I still – to this day – found profound.

He made it clear that everyone he meets is deserving of is respect when you meet them. And after that – it’s entirely in your own hands to either gain or lose that respect.

Shortly after that, the children lost all privileges due to their disruptive behaviour and I remembered all the nonsense from high-school camps that had pretty much the same effect. Maybe respect is too much power for the minds of the youth.

As grown-ups, we all demand respect, yet we all at times behave in ways that is maybe not respectful. And when it comes to respect – I have to be brutally honest – it’s a line that becomes very easily blurred for me personally.

But I am also well aware that there seems to be a very big difference in what we regard as respect. What one person might see as respectful, another might see it as not.

Confusing right? Surely, we all should have a basic understanding of what respect is?

I made a promise to myself – to be the kind of leader that I wished I had when I went through the ups and downs of my career. It took me a really long time however, to realise that what I deemed important – is not necessarily what another person deem important.

Where I am perfectly fine to do my job without constant validation from the outside world, another person requires validation in order to perform. When I have a strong apprehension towards small talk (just get to the point), another person need that little time-wastage to settle. Where I shut down when people start asking personal questions – other people fully open up and you hear their life story in seconds. What I might see as inconsiderate and selfish – someone else sees as part of their survival. So, I am constantly in a struggle for my own boundaries and respect towards others’ needs.

I once had a session with someone who mentioned that he finds it disrespectful, that I insist on making eye contact, while having a conversation. So obviously – I was a bit flabbergasted. Now, clearly there is some essential differences. Some find intense eye contact intimidating or challenging. For others, myself included – it’s a sign that whoever I’m engaging with deserve all of my attention. Also – I like to observe those tiny little micro-expressions.

So, even with the best of intentions – how do we behave respectful when so many people look at things in such different ways? There is a saying: treat people the way you want to be treated; and I believe that it’s fundamentally the truth. With a few exceptions.

We focus constantly on how other people treat us. How we deserve to be treated. Now, I’m well aware that this is going into dangerous territory. Because no-one deserves to be used, abused, lied to, stepped on etc. Yet, it still happens. Not because anyone deserved that, but simply because life isn’t linear. But, when we demand our treatment, what exactly is our focus on?

I grew up in a household where I was allowed to voice my opinion, for as long as I can remember. I was allowed to disagree with my parents. Where I was encouraged to ask questions. So, I am well aware that it can be seen as challenging to someone else. Which is unfortunate that intention sometimes is irrelevant or misunderstood.

However, sometimes lines get blurred. I do not want to be respectful towards arrogance and hypocrisy. I do not want to be respectful towards people that ignore instructions and justify their actions. Not towards habitual lying or deliberate ignorance. I do not feel like being respectful towards someone ignoring boundaries or people acting without all facts. Someone inconsiderate and selfish. Nor do I understand why ingenuity is regarded as more respectful, if its done with smiles and being nice. I do not want to constantly see the other point of view, but not receive the same grace. I want to build a 2m thick plexiglass wall between myself and all of this and just protect myself. And then crudely justify my own actions, because of someone else’s response – verbal or non-verbal.

Notice how often my thoughts were on how it makes me feel? As if I am alone in these situations?

I cannot control when someone else is behaving in a disrespectful manner. I can however control my own disrespectful behaviour. It’s not easy. In fact, I find it extremely hard, especially when I feel misunderstood.

But, when we understand that what I want from people is not necessarily going to happen and what they need from me, is not what I need – respect’s spectrum changes a little bit. Because respect is not about me – and that goes in all directions. Meet people on their level – not yours, but keep your own boundaries in place. And do not react from a place of overwhelming emotions.

This is not an easy challenge for me, partly because I value sincerity over being ‘nice’ – but both should be important. If this is a no brainer to you – that is great! But just in case you are slightly respectfully challenged also:

Have a lovely week!