A couple of months ago, I made a terrible mistake. The mistake was made on a Sunday afternoon, nonetheless. It was a hot and sunny afternoon. I just finished lunch and wanted to quickly cool off in my pool. The Kreepy was running in my 3.8m x 2.8m little splash pool and I did not want to disturb its equilibrium – it would have been a quick dive, nothing more. In 42ºC heat, a pool temperature of 26 ºC might seem amazing to relax in to others’, but not to me. There’s a 16ºC temperature difference and I’m pretty sure that those are the type of temperature variances that Racheltjie de Beer died of.

So, I gathered my courage (no longer the brave 8 year old that would swim in 11 ºC seawater) and I made a deliberate choice to miss the Kreepy, which was working on the right-hand side of the pool. I feel that it’s important to mention – my Kreepy Krauly is made out of plastic. In my overcautious ambition to not dive into the (again) PLASTIC Kreepy, I proceeded to dive chin first into my CONCRETE steps. The following instantaneously occurred:

My chin hit the corner first, followed by my bottom left tooth protruding through my lip and I was dazed for a good couple of seconds. Followed by a mixture of watery red blood everywhere (sorry if it’s a bit too much detail). I had no-one else to blame for doing something so utterly ridiculous. In avoiding something small – I created something bigger. A quick decision that changed so drastically.

I wanted to start off a little bit lighthearted, before I venture into the more serious part. There are much worse things than walking around for a week like you’ve been hit with a spanner – something my hometown is quite notorious for.

Life can change so unbelievably quickly. When you least expect it – drawing you out of the soft comforts of your existence and dropping you onto a piece of cold and hard concrete. The changes can occur on a Friday afternoon through a phone call, changing your whole course ahead. It can be a message on a Wednesday morning on your second cup of coffee. It can be a routine doctor’s visit or a nagging clench in the back of your mind. Numbing silence over a weekend

Life is not easy, nor does it seem fair. It’s waves that comes and goes and the moment you feel like you are sorted or settled, the next wave comes and knocks your feet out from right under you.

And in the midst of all these challenges – our biggest obstacle is our own thoughts. How we perceive each of these waves – how we look at it and how we deal with it.

Our relentless battles with ourselves.

Constantly torn between what we believe other people expect from us, what we think is the right decisions and our inherent nature of what we want.

A friend calls it the fights with the demons in his head. It’s a very accurate description, but I don’t like it. I wish we can sometimes be a little bit softer with ourselves. To tread a little bit lighter.  

As an overthinker, I fully understand the battles of the mind. The fine line between introspection and overthinking. Of all the things I am yet to learn – I have learned that the moment your thoughts and battles with yourself become frantic and panicky – stop. Stop immediately and focus on something else. Whatever comes from those frantic thoughts will not help you.

Growing older, doesn’t mean you now suddenly stop making mistakes. You don’t wake up with a clear manual on how to do life. And learning from past experiences doesn’t always mean that you have a clear direction in front of you. Sometimes, you just simply realise that the risk and consequences are higher, therefore you have more doubt in which direction you should go. Everything is weighted. Everything comes at a cost. When we were younger – the cost didn’t matter as much. We were strong, resilient, flexible and carefree.

No, life is definitely not easy and neither age nor wisdom gives you a free ticket to being sorted and settled. Our equilibrium, if not found in a solid and unmovable foundation will be regularly disturbed. It takes seconds for a heart to break. For hope for the future to diminish. For a cloud of uncertainty to fog your brain. And what we do after those seconds can determine so many other things in our lives. If ever in your life you have had a playdate with that dark and twisty pit that you feel you can’t get out of – go to bed – and try again tomorrow.

Listen to other people, through the things that they are not saying. Don’t give shitty advice like: You’re strong, you’ll be okay – to anyone. They might be okay eventually – but right now they are not okay nor strong, and your words are dismissive and condescending. It’s easy to solve other people’s problems – it’s difficult when you have to sort out your own.

Take accountability for your choices and your mistakes, but please don’t be too hard on yourself by holding onto it. 

We are all ‘winging’ it. We all win sometimes. We all lose sometimes. We have good days, bad days, good decisions, bad decision. Be merciful when it comes to everyone around you – we all have struggles.

I’ve said it so many times before – your happiness is not dependent on someone else. At the same time – we are not islands – we can’t keep everything cropped up.

I regularly look back at my younger self and can with all honesty say, that I am grateful that I am not her anymore. Yet, she wasn’t all bad. I can still learn from her. She didn’t dive head-first into a too-short splash pool, but she didn’t hold on to all the hardships of this world. She was foolish, but brave. She had hope and joy – despite everything else.

In a couple of months, the seasons will change and I will swim again. The scars will remain – ever so slightly. But for now, as the country is looking for ways to heat up – share your warmth. Share a cup of salted caramel latté or hot chocolate. Share your stories and allow for others so share theirs. Share your laughter. Be for someone else – someone you so desperately wished you had in your dark and cold moments.

Happy sharing friends!

In loving memory of a white Corsa; Saturday braais; illegal residence sleepovers and horrible rib pies; long forgotten check-in’s and a lifetime ago…