Oh, dear friends! If I tell you that I woke up in a bit of a flat spin on Sunday morning, with feelings of utter inadequacy for not being kind enough, not caring enough, not understanding enough, not giving enough, not helping enough – it will be a slight understatement. Every good attempt, act of giving, unselfish sacrifice, genuine care, seeking to understand different perceptions, introspection – did not matter a single bit. It just wasn’t good enough and I needed to immediately do more, perform better, be better. I think I woke up a couple of braincells short of selling everything I own and giving everything away – just to get rid of the feeling of inadequacy and guilt.

I’m sure, you wonder – what level of bat-shitted-ness did Ansonia wake up to?

I will gladly explain – I did the one thing that I always advice against. The thing that we all know is detrimental to ourselves. That thing, that no matter how you approach it – will make you fall short.

I compared myself to other people.

Small things that turned into bigger things. Over an extended period of time. Bit by bit, my focus extended between myself in comparison to someone else.

When we compare ourselves to others, we lose sight of the good things we have in our lives. We become discontent. Ungrateful, self-focused and entitled. It’s not a pretty mask on our hearts.

If you are going to look for shortcomings in other people – you will find it. You don’t have to look hard. And once those shortcomings are found – you will probably find all sorts of reasons to justify certain behaviours, actions etc. Because you have now found a reason for them not living up to your standards. The state of discontent. The same goes for when you start looking in depth at your own shortcomings. Hence – a turbulent Sunday morning of overloaded nonsense build-up. I’m happy to report – I did find my calm spot eventually.

Now, I’m going to annoy everyone with my ‘motives’ concept, but that is genuinely the biggest thing we should question ourselves on. What are our motives behind everything that we do. And this is where we need to be absolutely honest with ourselves.

If everything I do is performance based – I need to realise from the get go – it will just never be enough. I know – that is not particularly motivational. Unless I look at my motives. Am I giving to get rid of guilt? To look better in the eyes of my friends and family? Or make myself look good? To make sure someone is grateful for what I did for them? Is it good for my ego? Am I in competition with someone else? Or can I remove my own wants out of my motives?

We are not equal. Yes, we are all special and unique. We are all valuable. But we are not equally the same at everything. If you are comfortable speaking in front of a crowd – know that for someone else it might take a sleepless night, a calming tablet and possible high blood pressure medication. If your personality by nature is more chilled and laid back – understand that someone else is more anxiety inclined and might not be as carefree and friendly. For me – to share my vulnerabilities in person are extremely hard, with the fear of misunderstanding – but I can easily stand up in a room full of people at work and discuss work without fear.  

So how then, did I find myself in a situation where I played the comparison game to my own detriment? I think very plainly put, I started overthinking my value and insight. The impact I felt I had. And when the results were not what was offered or what I expected – this time – I was humbly brought down to earth. Again. And started asking a question that I had no business asking. “Why me?”

My performance will never be enough if my focus is on how things affect me only. And if my focus is on the right things – it will not matter.

As Easter is approaching I’m sure there is an underlying excitement, because it’s public holidays, shorter weeks and some good quality relaxing time. But Easter has a deeper meaning. Even more than Christmas. And that is when we know that our performance will never be enough. But the good news is – it does not have to be.

Easter to me is a reminder that all of our shortcomings were so well known – that we had to receive the ultimate Sacrifice, because there was nothing that we could do, to ever be enough.

But through the Sacrifice – it didn’t matter. Should we be conscientious and considerate of other people? Yes. Should we strive to do everything we can to the best of our abilities? Yes. We have a great example. But all of our abilities are different and it changes at different stages in our lives.

And once you realise this – realise also that you are not inadequate – you are a working progress. And the expectation is, to Trust, be joyful and do good. Not according to someone else’s ability with different circumstances than your own – but the ability you were given, with the challenges in front of you right now – in the place where you were planted to bloom.

Please remember this coming Friday what the true meaning of Easter is. The reason we can be stable and joyful in the midst of chaos.

Have a lovely Easter friends!