Toxic people. Toxic people everywhere! Advice on how to deal with toxic people and recognising narcissists fills social media. Toxicity and narcissism seem to fill the whole world. Sigh… Now, based on the rule of scarcity: If everyone is toxic and a narcissist, could it mean that no one is?

Before everyone comes cracking down on me – there are some serious issues in the world. There are some seriously toxic traits. This is not about that, though. I believe we have overused some terms in order to self-sooth our own behaviours and reactions.

The Interwebs constantly validate us in our belief that we are victims of everyone’s toxicity. And I get it. You probably asked Chat GPT some questions and advice and it agrees with you, so surely you are right! However, I took the liberty of asking my own Chat GPT if its answers are biased in my favour, because I know that it’s coded to validate me. The answer was of course yes. And it very diplomatically called it supportive. I’m mentioning this – before we rely too much on our own insight because AI agrees with us.😊

Despite people using good traits to vocally describe their own ‘toxic’ traits, I do want to highlight a couple of things that we all can relate to. At the very least – one.

When someone disagrees with you, seeing them as the enemy. Jumping very quickly to conclusions, based on limited facts. Judging someone else on something you’ve never been tempted with. Being lenient on your own oopsies. Dismissing someone else’s feelings, because you cannot relate. Expecting everyone else to adjust to your level of sensitivity. Demanding respect, but giving no respect in return. Confusing respect with the desire to be liked. Going out of your way to create the delusion of a perfect life. Pretentiousness. Using ‘honesty’ or simply your opinion as a means to hurt someone. Hurt people continuously hurting other people – with little to no insight or accountability.

Making light of every single situation, without depth. Being too intense with everything, not allowing for some lightheartedness. Having unrealistic expectations of other people, based on what you think you would do in the same situation (even though you have never been in that situation). Expecting an audience to listen to your complaints, but does not allow for mutual dialogue and different perspectives. Being delusional about your skills and abilities. Needing constant validation from others in order to do basic tasks. Thinking you don’t need anyone in life. Or thinking everything will be better if everyone else changed. Thinking someone rejects you as a person, if they disagree with your concepts.

Not willing to compromise. Not taking other people into consideration. Thinking how every situation directly impacts you. Being argumentative for no apparent reason, other than you can. Listening to answer back, not to understand. Showing little interest in all aspects of people’s lives, but expecting unwavering loyalty in return. Selfishness, self-centeredness, self-entitledness – the swan song of ‘me, me, me.’ Arrogance based on a deep-set insecurity. Expecting other people to keep you happy with little effort in return. Desperate desire for attention and admiration. Pride and ego.

Honestly, the list for ‘toxic’ traits is so ridiculously long and I’m pretty sure all of us can fit into it somewhere. I know, I can.😊

Now – just based on the quick explanation above, I want to make something extremely clear: Having toxic traits is a natural phenomenon with human kind. Toxic traits, does not make a toxic person.

But…when exactly does one become a truly toxic person?

Before I answer that, I want to mention something that I find unbelievable toxic on a personal level. Someone using emotional manipulation to make me feel guilty or sad or get a reaction out of me. My brain short-circuits. Because, my approach to life is up-front and personal (no BS). I say exactly what I mean. So, the emotional manipulation places me in a box of entrapment, guilt trips and words and actions not matching. I then have to get myself out of that hefty box. It is also extremely one sided, subjective and by no means factual. However – and this is where I want to just hover a little bit. For that person that are so skillful with emotional manipulation – it might be a coping mechanism or a means of survival.

People can use everything for good or bad. The opposite of emotional manipulation, can be emotional support and true empathy – if the focus is on the right motives.

So, now I would like to answer when someone actually becomes a toxic person – in my humble opinion.

We need to realise that every single person on this earth has some toxic traits that we use on different levels. The reason why we do behave in a toxic manner at times, is because we all have specific goals and ideas in each day and we work towards getting what we want. The first step is acknowledging this. The second step would be to work on it. Admitting that you are selfish, is not going to change selfish behaviour. Admitting that you can be disrespectful, is not by default going to make you behave more respectful.

Now, the real work starts…

What I believe makes a toxic person, is when your occasional toxic behaviour becomes habitual. When your ratio of toxic thoughts outweighs any other thoughts. If you have little regard for other people and what they need, but make all of your decisions based on what makes you feel good in the moment or what you can benefit from it. When people become disposable in your life, because they are used as props.

Toxicity is continuous self-centeredness and behaviours to encourage it. Not everything in life is personal. And the idea that I deserve something over someone else – just, no…

One thing I find extremely concerning, is that there is a real mindset out there, that my level of happiness is dependent on someone else doing worse than me. If by my own measures, that is something I fixate on – I need some serious introspection. Winning the race, because everyone else is failing, does not make you a winner. Our competition in this life should only be with ourselves and our decisions.

And I get that it’s hard. Really hard. We all want our own piece of sunshine. People have different lives though. And we are living the outcome of our own choices – not someone else’s. And that can be a tough pill to swallow, because we don’t always realise where those choices will lead to. We can only learn from it, and make better decisions going forward. Us – not someone else.

In life you will have good times and bad times, but our attitude is what carries us or isolate us.

Knowing that we all have toxic traits, we also have healthy traits. Just imagine that! All those small joys of excitement, where we can bubble out the good affect on others and ourselves. Can we focus on those for a little bit? And maybe look for those in other people as well?

Just for this week. And if it works – we can try again next week.😊