“But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.” ― Martin Luther King, Jr

When I was in primary school, my absolute favourite TV show was Seventh Heaven. It was a series about a minister, his family, ultimately 7 kids and their dog, Happy. I was committed to watching this every Tuesday at 19:30 (If I remember correctly) on SABC 2. My biggest challenge at that stage was when my mom worked night shift and my dad and brother had to go to wrestling practice. I was not to be left alone at home in Primary school. I might have thought that I was a strong and independent woman from early in life, but my parents firmly decided otherwise.

There is one particular episode that I still think about every now and again, to this day. It was a discussion about false hope. The one point of view was that there is no such thing as false hope. There either is hope, or there isn’t. I liked the simplicity of that argument. Either you have hope in something – or not. There shouldn’t be such a thing as false hope. Yes, I liked that – but as with all things seemingly simple – it excludes a couple of factors.

What do we place our hope in? Is it in concrete facts? Our own feelings? Do we hope in the impossible? Is hope created by people around us?

As you grow a little older than the good old Seventh Heaven days – you learn that there in fact is something as false hope. Hope that is based on what you want, instead of the reality in front of you. Hope that is based on things other people pack onto your table – and then slowly unpacking it again.

As human beings we absolutely need hope. Hope for our future, that our circumstance will improve or that we will be okay. Without hope, life has no purpose.

Have you ever felt that feeling of hopelessness? A sinking of your heart into the waves of the wind. Dread and fear, that halts you in your tracks?

I am an absolute sucker for hope. Blissful, unwarranted hope that everything will ultimately turn out for the good. Hope, that in each day there will be something good. Hope, that even through challenges – there will be juicy fruit hanging at the end of the tunnel. But I have been struggling a little bit. For the last year, I have received a little bit of hope on different levels of my life on a couple of occasions. And without an announcement or repertoire, the change-over was a mere ‘by-the-way”. The hope has been silently removed from the table – which makes you wonder whether the hope was an illusion from the very start. And every time that happens – the hope that returns – is a little bit less than the previous time. Few people understand the effect of allowing other people to carry consequences for situations you created. But there is no avoiding it – only living the repercussions of a society of selves. And I have learned, that with hope slowly dissipating, your world becomes smaller and two dimensional.

A couple of years ago – I had a three-week plan for my life. Nothing longer. The disappointments in life I so gleefully clung on to then – created an absolute fear to plan for longer than three weeks. And somehow now – I have shortened that time-span to one day at a time. It sounds counter-productive – I understand that this point of view will frustrate many people. But I love the idea that each day is a new gift. To let go of yesterday and all its dread, chaos or illusion. Today is mine, to make the best of it. I find it almost impossible to hold on to a feeling of hopelessness – when I have a new day – every day. Thinking about the future overwhelms me and leaves me empty, but with today – I cannot only cope – I can get excited.

I looked at the full moon, driving to work this morning. Glowing and shining in all it’s multidimensionality. Illuminating the road to work. If I could give hope a shape – it would be round. It would look like the moon and it would smell like the forest. Today is a full moon and hope will be prominent in all its glory.  And at its smallest cycle – dark moon – it is still there. Not as visible, but never gone.

My hope for anything, cannot be in people. People have great intentions, but they are limited in abilities and understanding beyond themselves. I have disappointed people in my life, as much as I have been disappointed. Therefor my hope is also not too much in myself and my own abilities. We are all fallible human beings. It’s not in my current circumstances, or my daydreams. It’s not in the challenges or the comfort of a moment.

My hope is in so much bigger than that.

And on the days that I look at life two dimensionally and it becomes a little bit of a dark moon – I remind myself, that the full moon will always come around.

On the days that the purpose is not clear, or the world and all of its unfairness doesn’t make sense – the moon will slowly move in, to lighten my road.

My hope is not on the moon – I want to be clear on that. I don’t turn into a crazed werewolf, trickster or dance naked under each full moon (That I only do for the coming of Spring). It’s simply my reminder that there is always hope – when it’s placed in the right place – even when you can’t always see or feel it. And my hope is in the fact that, this too might bring hope to someone else as well.

Forever hopeful, not always illuminated – happy hoping friends!