When we are young, our lives are filled with role models and mentors. Our teachers, sport stars, movie stars, Joan of Arc… As we grow older though, the positive features in humans tend to hit a bit closer to home. It’s the noteworthy characteristics in our friends, colleagues and strangers we interact with at times – whose behaviour we recognise as good or admirable; and make a mental note of it.

But what is the depths of those close relationships in our lives?

I have appreciated and grown frustrated with friendships that sit down with me, cries with me, tells me everything that I want to hear – and then walks away completely forgetting every word I say. In the moment it feels nice, but the benefits are not lasting. The friendships I value most – are the ones based on honest conversation. A mutual degree of listening and talking.

Whose advice do we listen to? And how do we distinguish if the people close to us, have our best interest at heart? I want to make it very clear – if I have my friends’ best interest in mind – I also need to try my best to be objective and remove myself out of the equation. If I can benefit from something you do – maybe it’s not your interest that I’m heartening.

There are different kind of close relationships in the world. We seek out people that we have things in common with and who we enjoy spending time with, but people are multi-faceted. And not everyone has equal levels of depth. So, it’s also okay to accept that a single person cannot stimulate all parts of our interests. Not all of my friends will enjoy a ballet concert with me. Some don’t want to wake up at 05:00 and watch the sunset. Not everyone will slapstick laugh at 8 out of 10 cats does countdown.

Genuine caring in close relationships advises and discuss, but they do not hold it against you if you don’t follow shared guidance. That is something I struggle with, because it’s extremely frustrating when someone doesn’t listen to sound advice. But my friendships shouldn’t be based on whether someone does what I tell them to do. Relationships also doesn’t benefit from someone else’s misery. To manipulate a situation, from another person’s weakened state, is not something to congratulate yourself on too much. I am still in the process of learning that. We don’t get to decide when someone should be properly healed.

Close relationships are not demanding or controlling. It does not set ultimatums. Which seems to be oddly controversial, because unless it’s got to do with substance abuse or something severely harmful – the psychology when it comes to ultimatums is really bad over the long term. Sincere connections should not play on your emotions and guilt-trip you. Nor does it distinguish constantly between a villain and victim. It does not enable damaging behaviour, when they benefit from it; but judge it when they don’t. It reminds us, that through the bad times, the sun will shine again.

That’s a mouthful, I know – but please go through that again. Just for it to fully soak in and then continue to what I’m going into next.

If that is our expectations in who we surround ourselves with – it begs the question – are you providing to those around you, with what you require? In other words, do you expect from others, what you also don’t give?

I am not a social butterfly. I like smaller groups. Like – count on one hand small. And I like to think that there are a couple of close relationships I have, of people I think of regularly. They are in my prayers more than what they realize, but sometimes when I think of them – it replaces the actual action of reaching out to them. Because sometimes we need a little more than thoughts and prayers. Sometimes we need a ‘Hi! How are you?’ and a genuine interest in their lives. And in that regard – I am not always a good friend.

We all felt disappointed in our relationships at some point, but I want us to take a quick breather and acknowledge; that maybe we have also disappointed.

I am very fond of giving unsolicited advice. If my focus is simply on myself, and what I benefit from it – the advice goes one way. If it’s based on being a martyr, it goes another. But the best advice should not be about me at all. Yes – we cannot remove ourselves from the equation entirely because we do have feelings and when it’s a conversation with someone we truly care about – we are invested. We don’t get to decide what is best for someone else. We can simply give advice and encourage through those bad times. Which again brings us back to our true motives behind all of our decisions. And that is the best advice I can ever give: Check your own motives.

That is why it’s so important to have good and genuine relationships in your life. Not the ones that seemingly look great to the outside world, but only confuse you or use your weaknesses against you. Not a co-dependency or a state of enabling. It’s where your interest is also taken into consideration. That guides your through your mistake, not emphasize it or hide it. And the best way to gain those friendships – is to be that friend first. Sometimes we’re surrounded by fools and sometimes we are the fools.

By being that friend first, some unwanted truths will highlighted, but sometimes – you gain a small box filled with perfectly baked cheesecake (that is the highest level of compliment I can give any loved one. And those I love – will know why).

Have a lovely and friendly week!