The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention.” – Sharon Salzberg

In my previous living quarters, just outside of the motorized gate of the complex is a large, green dumpster. It used to be easy, putting my garbage bag in the back of my car and drop it off on my way to work. I even used it to explain my location to visitors. “Drive through the cream brick towers, straight towards the huge green dumpster – knock three times and wait for me to open.” It was a bit cheeky, but I will never forget the one Saturday, when I grabbed my trash bag and threw it into the big bin, and out popped a face.

Someone was inside the dumpster…

It took me several seconds to get over my shock and comprehend that it was a human being. Then it sank in that someone is so desperate for leftovers – or anything – that they would climb into a fly-filled, maggot infected and fowl-smelling garbage bin to get something out of it.

It wasn’t the last time either, that I saw the people inside.

I have moved since, but I still go to that dumpster to drop my garbage off, even if I have pick-up on Tuesdays. It’s still where I go drop off my old food and when I clean my closet – my clothes – at the green dumpster.

I hope I can touch a couple of heartstrings with this story – because surely no one would choose to climb into a dumpster and play around with the trash, if they had other options?

Then why do we do it ourselves on such a regular basis?

What do we fill our heads with on a daily basis? What are our thoughts and expectations that we spend hours on? How many passive aggressive things do we do every day, based on what type of thoughts we had during the course of the day?

We all have our own large dumpster bins, filled with absolute trash – that we choose to climb into.

I will give a bit of an example, just for some clarity. A couple of years ago, I worked with someone that told me two things from the get-go. 1. He does not take criticism very well. 2. He is a proud man-child.

But this story is not about him. Improving my life should never depend on other people changing. It’s about my trashy thoughts.

In the beginning, when he behaved in a way that was in line with his prewarning’s, I would not let it get to me. But slowly I started pimping my dumpster up. I would take his ignorant behaviours with me to the shower, my bedroom – driving in my car. The amount of imaginary discussions, debates and different shitty scenarios I created. I would get upset on a Saturday afternoon – because of a thought that popped up and I entertained its toxic suggestions while I could have done so many other things.

I dragged the connected negativity with me and play-pretended in my sparkly dumpster.

Out of a possible 10 scenario’s that I played with in my mind, do you know how many actually happened?

None.

Did he annoy me, frustrate me and pushed my buttons?

Absolutely.

But me playing around in a dumpster filled with toxic, demeaning and soul-crushing thoughts – that was all me.

What is it you keep your mind occupied with? I can’t speak for everyone, but I can without a doubt say that all of my insecurities, my bad moods and my frustrations is based on how I think – and over-think – certain situations.

Every day I clean myself up, only to dive head-first into my metaphorically created dumpster throughput the course of the day. I can sparkle it up, glitter-fill it, give it a name – but it is still a big, dirty, smelly bin of crappy thoughts.

We want people to respect our wants and needs – but do we respect theirs? We want other people to put in an effort in our lives, but do we do the same? Our expectations of how other people should behave in order for us to be peaceful, is so high, that we miss when we are the ones creating strife. And if we are not doing it deliberately – is it possible that maybe, just maybe – someone else isn’t either? That they are not the enemy?

Not to mention how we break ourselves down. Torment ourselves with problems, increasing as we poke at it.

We know our dumpsters very well. It’s a comfortable and familiar playground. But wouldn’t you rather have a playground with soothing waters, soft green grass and sunshine?

We can’t control people, nor can we expect them to change to suit us. If we need to address a situation – passive aggressiveness, hints and extreme emotions is not the way to go. It needs to come from a place of understanding and mutual discussion. If your thoughts become obsessive – stop and replace them with things that creates lasting joy and contentment. Positive things. Small things. Your immediate surroundings. The same with emotions of frustration and anger. Get your mind off yourself and your circumstances and get some clarity by doing something nice for someone else.

It is not going to happen without effort. We have collected years of trashy ways of thinking into our dumpsters. It’s a deliberate choice every day. And take it from someone, that has wasted uncountable hours playing in her own green trashcan – even if you have to climb out of it a couple of times a day – it’s still better than living in it constantly.

Get your head out of the dumpster friends!