“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change… I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back…” Erica Jong
A couple of months ago our Dominee came to visit me. The messy display of musical instruments in my house gave him the idea that maybe, I’m slightly musical. So he wanted me to start a sing-along in church before the service began – the church was apparently not too musical
Now, just a bit of background for those who don’t know me. I love music. I can play a couple of musical instruments. Not overtly well. I can never leave my day job. As far as singing – I can carry a tune, but at the same time – have you heard my nasal voice? I was called “Liewe Heksie” in primary school, for Pete’s sake!
I cringe when I hear my own voice and I am secretly thankful I don’t have to listen to it all day. I’m also a mezzo in range – which means I can sing low-ish and high-ish, but not too low and never too high. There is, however one amazing quality that any dominee has, and it’s the art of guilt-tripping (I am saying this with all the love in the world). Playing on your feelings and the ‘want’ to help and do the right thing.
So I agreed. I got the music and I started practising.
Now, immediately there was a problem. The organ music was written in the days where the ‘tannies’ had amazing and solid vibrato’s in their soprano’s. In fact, I’m pretty sure the music was written with a lady wearing a hat in mind.
I went to church that next Sunday and I sat at the front of the gallery – where I couldn’t see anyone. Scared was an understatement. I was absolutely petrified.
The first song was HIGH. I reminded myself, that this is not about me. This is not about the people around me. That is not why I am here.
I wish I could tell you, that the moment I opened my mouth, I was touched by an Angel and the music carried my voice and everone just bounced in.
Nope.
The congregation wasn’t used to this, so not a peep was made. Well, except for the peeps that came from my voice over the microphone. My hand was trembling so bad, it was acting as a metronome – on the wrong beat.
I silently (maybe a little loudly) begged for another voice to join in, so that I do not feel so utterly alone. And behind me sat a couple – who I will forever be grateful for – who started singing as well.
The rest of the sing-song went smoothly, but boy – was that a rough start.
I could only laugh at myself.
So what are you scared of?
In my work environment, I find myself on a regular basis, the only woman in a meeting or conversation. It is so much part of what I do – I don’t even think about it (too much…) Despite that, I have grown to become very vocal in things that I regard as important. I’ve heard that I have ‘guts’. It’s either that, or stupidity (It’s a thin line – I don’t always get it right)
After another session where we addressed the do’s and don’ts or what should happen – someone asked me if there’s anything I am scared of (this was way before the sing-a-long). I will answer that in a minute.
I am sometimes scared when I walk into a boardroom and I look around me – but when it comes to doing the right thing – I don’t think about myself for a second, but address the topic. I don’t always get it right. My passion and insistence comes across as rude sometimes, stand-offish and hard. Unsympathetic even. Never my intention, but it’s a self-protection mechanism.
Back to the question above. Am I scared of anything? I can honestly, without hesitation answer – I am literally scared of everything. I am not even attempting to be melodramatic in that sense. Not physically, necessarily – I am scared of heights, critters gross me out, reckless driving etc.
I am scared of all of those things that sits in my heart and brain and touches those nerves. I am scared of change, but also scared that things will never change. I am scared of sharing too much, or not sharing enough. I am scared that my silly days will be frowned upon or that my dark and twisty days will forever be misunderstood. I am scared that no one will ever fully understand me, and I am scared that someone will.
All of these fears play around a lot with someone’s’ sense of security. The big bad monster of insecurity in yourself, the future, what you thought you knew hiding underneath your bed just waiting to pop out. But what exactly can it do?
Despite all of our fears, human beings have one amazing ability – the ability to adapt to their circumstances.
If the waves of unpleasant change is overwhelming you, you can fight it as hard as you can. You didn’t ask for this (that was my favourite saying); it’s not fair – you don’t deserve it. We can all be victims, all at the same time. But if everyone is a victim at the same time – does it mean that none of us are either?
I will probably never fully lose certain fears. Scared of being rejected as a person. Scared of losing everyone I love. Not meeting loved ones’ expectations of who they think I should be or what they think I must do. It’s always a dangerous thing when loved ones tell us what to do. Their perspective is one of wanting stability for when they are no longer there, but it’s also tainted with mistakes that they have made.
Scared of making mistakes.
Here is the good news though – you will make mistakes. It’s inevitable. But own it and learn from it. You do not have to keep on making the same mistake over and over again. Lean into the fear – don’t run away from it. Don’t hide. Because what scared you today – is a blessing tomorrow. You will have good days and you will have bad days. You will have really hard challenges and you will have short-lived moments of smooth seas. You will get over one fear and another fear will pop up, like the stupid weeds in my patches of grass.
Your fear does not have to keep you stuck. It does not have to keep you in one place. The moment you start pushing through it – even if the worst thing will happen – you are moving into a direction where you can move away from that fear. Life is rarely the make-believe you see on social media. Sometimes when you are scared of hurting people – you end up doing exactly that. But without pushing through the fear – nothing changes.
And maybe it’s just me, but that is even a worse tragedy.
So put on your big-boy pants. Face the music and your own weakness. Be scared – allow yourself to have those feelings – but push through them.
That fear that you feel – it is not the entirety of your situation – there is so much more beyond it
Happy singing my scaredy-cats!