My dearest friends

I’ve been MIA for a bit, but tonight I want to share my Christmas message. I’ve mentioned previously that I have spent Christmas many a-ways in the past. On standby, working, with family, alone, with friends. But in all circumstances, regardless of how it seems in the moment — Christmas is a message of hope.

I would like to tell you about a couple of hard decisions I had to make lately – including today. Because even with a strong sense to do ‘what is right, even if no-one else is’ — a bucket filled with holes cannot water properly. 

Which brings me to my understanding of integrity. When we play around with versions of the truth to the point where conversations with ourselves changes reality. Or we offload our emotional baggage onto someone else, but never share the load. When we refuse to open our mouths and expect people to read our minds and punish them when they can’t. When we justify behaving cowardly, by ever so slightly passing the buck or turning the blind eye.

Sigh. This does not sound like a message of hope, does it? Patience, dear friends. Hope was not alone in Pandora’s little box.😉

Allow me to shortly describe my explosion of a year and the impact of my own, and other people’s choices. And by now if my own blatant and rude honesty has not yet been an indication of how much I value all aspects of the truth — I want to go into the consequences in the absence of truth.

In the beginning of the year, I chose to believe just a little lie. (again) More a withholding of the truth. A slight deviation from reality to change the narrative in order for some personal gain. Or whatever the reason. Something I really wanted to believe. But that slight narrative change, lead to changing the trajectory of my whole life as I know it.

And then there was another slight deviation from the truth, just a while ago from another source. Just a bit off context, from what actually happened. A seemingly small deviation from what was actually said. Just to help with that little bit of sympathy. Because feelings need to be validated always, doesn’t it? And just like that — another trajectory of life. 

Hiding the truth or these small deviations just becomes part of someone’s character. Where the percentage of words said vs. reality is an utter fail. And any less effort will be no effort at all. In that moment — there was no consequence. But sometimes other people have to carry those consequences in due time.

Because of these off-center, of the truth situations; I had to sit through the uncomfortable feelings of disappointment. Because for me context and truth matters. Honesty matters. And no amount of arguing that someone else ‘deserves’ something happening to them — changes the fact that if at any given time, if you need to deviate just a little bit from reality to change the narrative for sympathy or justification — integrity is altered. 

So, the past weekend when I had to stop moving and stop planning — I allowed my feelings of utter disappointment and mild defeat to wash over me. Yes – allowed, because I do not want to hold on to it forever. Disappointment for efforts with no results. Disappointment in defending, without being offered the same grace. Support being a word with no action. Taking to a point of being left empty. Talking, merely a whisper in the wind. Insisting on praise for minimum effort. Selfish demands. Begging for mutual understanding and consideration. I had a lot to process.

And I had to make a very serious decision. Because as I mentioned — changing the trajectory of my life is not said in light. The year I turned 40 I received an absolute miracle. A miracle I will not take for granted. And I had to decide whether I want to continue to fight bias, the underdog, context, truth and righteousness. Unshared emotional weight.

Or whether I need to step back from all of that into the new direction. And protect as much as I can, accepting the consequences placed on my shoulders. And do the responsible thing under the odd circumstances.

Because when a system fails you and support is merely a 7 letter word that disappears with reality — priorities change. Pride no longer matters. And I for once chose not to fight anymore. To breathe and let go. And lock out those handful of things, my effort no longer needed to impact.

Because in one scenario, you cannot beg for consistency, reliability and stability. You can only provide it yourself and turn away from the alternative. And in the other scenario — if you are blamed for someone’s feelings of inadequacy — it’s not a bad thing to be removed from that situation, which will force them to step up.

When I refer to my own situation, my wish is always that on some level it can help someone. Now, my experience are not the same as yours. I’m pretty sure you do not have a strong desire to do what your moral compass regards as the ‘right’ thing, even if it irks other people.😉 Even if you stand alone. Feelings don’t care about facts, though. And I am also still learning.

We all have our own struggles. Our own priorities. Some people will always blame unfortunate circumstances on everyone around them. And some will always run away from their problems — literally or emotionally. Some will always be victims. Others will never have the capacity to take accountability. Self-centeredness and how things impacts only them will be a driving force.

 For everyone else — we need to work through the wilderness and do a lot of introspection. Because we know change starts from within. Sometimes we need to step up and do the right thing. Sometimes we need to help others carry their burdens. But sometimes, we need to step back, become silent, and focus inwards — when our efforts no longer carries weight. 

As we approach Christmas and the coming New Year, as always I am filled with Hope. Because through the sparkle of my glitter bauble, I hold on to a very raw and real story. We celebrate Christmas now, not because we truly believe that this was realistically the date. But because we are so dependent on God’s gift of Sacrifice and Grace — that we cannot go into a new year without this reminder: 

A baby boy was born that changed all of our lives and beyond. Who provided an eternal love that we struggle to comprehend. But the raw story does not come without it’s suffering and sacrifice. 

And Christmas leaves us with hope:

– We are never alone, even when we feel that the world has turned its back.

– Our biggest fears will not kill us — it just hold us prisoner. We are way more resilient than we realise.

– Our wilderness is not forever and as long as we choose to handle our issues correctly — we will walk out of it with grace 

– When we focus on the right things, and not just ourselves — our yoke becomes a little bit lighter. 

– There is always something to be grateful for. 

Your story for 2025 is not mine. We all have our struggles and our blessings. But I promise you, my dearest friends — there is always hope and grace, when you feel that you cannot carry everything alone. And there is always someone, that needs you more than your own pity party allows. Because we understand that people act out of their own fears and insecurities. But that also can’t be a forever excuse.

I hope that wherever you are this year, you have a full heart filled with love. That you have a purpose (beyond yourself or how people see you) going into the New Year. That you approach everything with real integrity.

And know — you are never alone.