What is a central nervous system? In short, it’s how we receive and process things around us. Its structure is behind our behaviour, feelings and how we think. This is according to those people that apparently know stuff.

For someone only curious about human behaviour, but do not necessarily want to deal with behaviours every day – I only read about things that I find interesting. So, in short for me: the nervous system is the foyer through which we receive information and how we respond to it, based on our past experiences.

Now why do I want to talk about this in particular? Well, the way we perceive things, reflects our own behaviour, which then in turn affects other people. Because, I do not believe our lives are our own and we are all interlinked. My opinion – I’ve shared this. I also know that hurt people, hurt other people. But just because we understand that, doesn’t mean we should endure it indefinitely.

Many years ago, when I was a maths teacher, I had a colleague teaching arts and culture. I had a structured classroom. My desk was at the back; and for the majority of the time, unless we were having interactions – I encouraged quiet classwork. When you would walk into her classroom – chaos ensued. Children were all over the place, it was noisy etc. And there she would be – absolutely calm in the midst of it. Did she by nature have a calm personality? To some extent. Did she require some extra help in the form of some natural and smokable relaxants? Absolutely.

We all need to find ways in which we ground ourselves, or self-regulate, or find ways in which we create a sense of calm. Some people have learned to function under different levels of chaos, so for them it’s natural to subtly keep on rocking the boat. Because it’s familiar. When calm, stable and secure is not familiar – it is very scary.

Some people are so focused on obtaining that sense of calm, that they expect everyone around them to adjust to their need to feel grounded, to the point where they are simply dismissive and ignorant of the fact, that they are not alone in the world.

I used to say, that anything that does not bring me peace and calmness, is something that I do not want near me. I did however learn in the meantime, that my need for serenity made me almost ignorant to the fact that in life there always will be challenges and to protect myself too much, means to do not develop the skills to ground myself, even when there is a little bit of a storm around me. No one in life is protected from its up’s and downs. What we need, is the skills to not fall apart, when that happens.

So, years ago in the midst of me wanting to protect my own peace at all cost – I used to go to my parents regularly. Not because I wanted to spend quality time with them, necessarily. Also, not because I wanted to know how their day was going or overly interested in what happened in their lives. No, I wanted to go there out of boredom and to relax. Selfish intent.

I remember one afternoon, when I had a particularly rough day at work, asking my mom in her own house to give me half an hour of silence. My expectation was that because I had a rough day, she must adjust herself entirely around my needs and wants. Not taking into consideration for one second that she is a human being in her own right. We all need space, but my need for space must never, be dismissive or infringe on someone else’s needs.

Which then reminds me of a manager I had many years ago. Whenever someone wanted to discuss something of importance – more times than not, we were told by someone who ‘knows’ him well, that ‘today was not a good day for him – he had a lot going on. When he was in a good mood – great. But it was just too inconsistent to be reliable or stable. Imagine – a manager with all the psychological training and mentorship that he could want and have – to not be able to compromise for anyone, but everyone else having to adjust their personalities around his moods.

Hmmm…

We all need boundaries in life. It’s a word that we hear a lot lately. But I also think we are not really understanding the true meaning of boundaries. One of my boundaries, cannot be at the cost of stepping over your boundaries. My boundaries can also not be so rigid that everyone is walking on eggshells around me. If the only way for me to cope with life’s challenges – is for everyone to adjust themselves to me and my moods – I most definitely are not coping. A boundary is a border. A tread carefully through understanding; not a damn wall.

Critique is not always an attack – If I am secure, then I can do introspection and still conclude positively. People annoy each other regularly. If I am annoyed today, it’s probably more about my own interpretation of things, than someone else now suddenly becoming the enemy. People annoy each other sometimes. It’s human nature. If you think that you are never annoying – pffft. But everyone deals with it. Tomorrow it has passed. Gaslighting other people, for what I am guilty of myself? Maybe some serious change is needed.

We all want and need stability. Our central nervous system wants us to feel safe. But it’s also a little imp, acting on past experiences and emotional reactions – not necessarily what is real and true. Not enough data.

And I honestly don’t think the solution is as complicated as we make it out to be. How much time do we spend on how we feel; how certain situations affect us and how wrongly we are treated by everyone else? Even if they do treat us badly – is my overthinking now going to suddenly change their behaviour? Maybe we should shift the focus off ourselves and onto concrete things and positive people around us. Small joys.

If I sound like a record player – good.

I still don’t always get it right. I still phone my mom and spend too much time talking about myself. But I also know that the moment I get my mind off myself – the days just tend to breeze past me. And as long as we keep on improving on that – realise that life is so much bigger than our own small minded perception of this situation right here – our own problems will start getting smaller and we’ll learn how to deal with life’s challenges more naturally.

Have a lovely, calm central nervous, blah, blah friends!