I heard a well-intended motivational tale sometime last year in a session at work, where the speaker told a story about him and his siblings that used to swing on the security gate at their front door. One day after school, he got home and the gate was off its hinges from whoever swung on it last – so he tried to fix it, even though he wasn’t on the gate when it came down. His moral of the story was that sometimes you have to fix what someone else broke.

In this specific story, I had a different perspective. The collapse of the gate seemingly happened suddenly. However – every time someone swung on it, it weakened the hinges. Every time they all participated in the swinging, the having fun – it slowly contributed to the ultimate collapse. To not be on the gate when it finally gave way, may very easily seem like you are innocent – but it also conveniently disregards slow contribution by numerous parties to the weakened condition.

It is human nature, that when we find ourselves in a situation that we don’t like, or when things go wrong or something is hurting us – we want to blame someone else. And yes, other people’s actions and behaviour most certainly affect us. Just as ours affect other people.

But I find that we struggle to ask ourselves what our role in the situation was. I know it took me a while.

I’ve noticed that a lot of people like to share posts or sayings, about how someone brought out the worst in them, and subtly claiming a level of innocence or justification in some circumstance. And honestly – it seems that the whole world simply exists of victims. And I get it. I get the unfairness of life and injustices and the want for sympathy and empathy in unwanted situations.

But you are not a damn victim.

I know, this does not sound motivational, but hear me out.

My behaviour is entirely on me. Yes, this is not a typo. Because I am the one that make my choices. Now, whether those choices came from shitty circumstances, bad behaviour from others or things out of our control – I still make my own choices. I even made choices prior to whatever unwanted event I find myself in now. Even if it didn’t always feel like that.

How we react in challenging situations is part of who we are. If someone else brings out something bad in you – know that, that is part of who you are right now. The great thing about that, is now you can face it and deal with it. It does not have to stay that way.

I have thrown more tantrums in the last 3 years, than I ever did as a toddler and a teenager combined. Can I explain my working conditions, living conditions and other circumstance to give a proper back story? Sure. I will most definitely get some sympathy. Up until a point. But, and I want to really emphasize this but – my behaviour is ALL on me.

And quite frankly, when you notice a less than desirable side of you coming out in crappy circumstances – go on your knees and say thank you. Because it’s an obstacle and a truth that you can now deal with. It’s a bad habit that you can now address. It’s upfront and noticeable, therefore – it can be changed or turned around and improve your life once you overcome it. If these circumstances or person did not highlight this for you – someone else or another circumstance would – because whether you want to admit it to yourself or not – the way we behave and react, is all part of our being. If you don’t like it – blaming someone else will not change it. However – you do not have to be a prisoner to it.

We pick up wounds as we go through life’s challenges. We do. No one goes through all the trials and tribulations and stay all bright-eyed and bushy tailed like the youngster you once were. Some people had horrible upbringings anyway, and had rare moments where they felt safe. We get jaded and suspicious and distrustful. We do what we think we have to. To get what we think we need; and we will justify it.

We are human.

Some things happen overnight and without warning. For everything else, there are daily choices we make and we are active participants in our choices.

I don’t want people to be too hard on themselves. And I really don’t want people kicked when they are down – even by themselves. (I know – the visual of me trying to kick myself while lying down is a bit interesting, but let’s look at it metaphorically😊)

I just don’t want us to go through life oblivious or blind-sided – because we chose to close our eyes and ignore our own actions.

My frustration is in doing the same thing over and over again and hoping someone else will change. In thinking that everyone around us has a purpose to make us happy. We want people to bring out the best in us, but our focus is on them. What am I doing to bring out the best in myself?

When will we realise, that maybe, just maybe – if we become the best versions of ourselves, without expecting everyone around us to ‘bring it out of us’ – someone else might have a proper chance as well? Is it simply too much to ask for someone else to not cater to my happiness, while I sit and feel sorry for myself?

I got a bit side-tracked here, and I apologise.

The security gate came crushing down and someone had to fix it. It’s not the fact that it came down that bothers me. Stuff happens. It sure was fun to swing on it. It’s the fact that there was a whole lot of action happening before it broke. It didn’t just break because of one person – despite what it might be perceived as.

But how do you move forward? Are you going to continue swinging on it and make sure the hinges are stronger to carry the weight? Are you going to accept that the hinges will have to be replaced on a regular basis – with possible injuries? Or are you going to leave the gate to do gating and build a swing outside? All better options than having a pity-party, because the gate so many people swung on came crushing down and it wasn’t ‘your’ fault.

My message is a bit fierce tonight, and my intention is simply for all of us to be honest with ourselves. It’s been raining a lot lately and the implications is a bit worrisome up north. However – the rain will dry up and the path forward will be lit. We just need to open our eyes to see it and take accountability for the role we play in our own life. And as always – a bit of positivity and gratitude won’t cause harm.

Happy swinging friends!