I spend quite a bit of time on the road each week day. It makes the days shorter, unfortunately. Which hypothetically can indicate driving a little bit faster than what one should on occasion. Simply to try and make the days a bit longer. This of course highlights my shortcoming with patience, which I am daily working on.

So, (hypothetically) one might in some instances drive well over the speed limit. And on other occasions push the boundaries just a bit. For example: if the speed limit is 120km/h and the speedometer is exactly 8km/hr under real time, driving on cruise control at 128 km/hr to real time is driving at 120. Considering that legally there is a tolerance of 10km/hr in South Africa – that boundary can by slightly pushed.

So, in this hypothetical situation – one can get away with driving well over the speed limit for a prolonged period of time. But get a complaint for that boundary pushing, only once. Which is ironic, because complaining about something you won’t get a ticket for, but getting away with some serious speeding seems upside-down. One can fully justify the speedometer vs real-time vs tolerance maths in the traffic system. Except, we’re missing something very important that requires a simple yes or no answer. “Was one speeding more than allowable, regardless of the speed?”

Immediately when we are cornered or faced with our own fallibilities or mistakes or stupid decisions – we tend to jump into defending ourselves. We want to blame someone else, or soften our circumstances. Mitigating circumstances, we call it. We require understanding and sympathy from others. That, dear friends are all of our natural go-to and it’s very human.

The question that I have been stuck with lately is – is that truly taking accountability? We all hear and use the word regularly. It’s something we definitely require from other people and we would like to think that we take accountability for our own actions. But I have realised that we are in fact not really taking any accountability for our decisions at all.

There are 3 steps when we take accountability in our lives:

1. Acknowledgement – that is something we all can do. We acknowledge we did something we probably shouldn’t have.
2. Introspection – this is something where we start losing people in the process. In order to understand why we did something, requires some personal insight, not blame
3. Change – there needs to be a change in behavior, otherwise the pattern will just repeat itself.

Example: If I acknowledge that I was driving too fast, realising that my impatience made me take chances and I kept on getting away with it. So there is a callousness that comes with it. Untouchable, when we keep on doing the same wrong thing and there are no consequences. And whether I receive a ticket or not, I will only truly take accountability for my actions, if I now put in a genuine effort to not overspeed.

I’m using speeding as an example, but you can look at any niche we have and use it as our own references. Lying or playing with the truth; selfishness; exploitation; bullying; intimidation; passive-aggression. So many things.

Now I understand that truly taking accountability for our own actions sounds like no fun. Yes, it’s moral and ethical and part of our quest to be good people. But it does not really hold any benefits in for us, now does it?

I have great news for you, dear friends! The one great benefit from taking accountability for your own actions, is also knowing and understanding when you are not accountable. 

Taking accountability for my actions, following those 3 steps – acknowledgement, introspection and change keep things very clear. It’s not always nice to do the right thing, but the guidance is there. Which means: There is no amount of guilt-tripping; or gaslighting; or emotional blame-shifting from someone else and the decisions they made – that will make me carry the responsibility, when they don’t like the consequences. I will apologise, carry the weight and learn from my own decisions. But I will not be trapped in emotional guilt, because someone else made a decision with consequences they did not like.

I had a friend in school, that I used to take the blame for, when it came to the few times we were in trouble. We were good girls, performed academically, participated in school activities, did not party or broke curfew. But because I had the stronger, more feisty personality, if there was an issue on her mothers’ side, I would take the blame. Despite her not being as innocent at all and way less naïve than I was.

So, when we were 18, during the winter holiday and we spent a day with her boyfriend and his friends drinking. I was naturally blamed for the entire situation. Not her or her boyfriend. I’m not sure what level of accountability she ever learned, but I learned a lot since then.  We learn to distinguish between when it actually is our fault and we need to own up. And when someone else is placing that burden on our shoulders, because it’s easier for them.

When we make decisions and the short or long-term consequences is not what we like: acknowledging it, is simply not enough. There needs to be a change. Because when words and actions don’t match, people stop listening and start observing. But even bigger than that – there is no growth. There is only the same pattern over and over again. Until the consequences reaches a peak level, where we can no longer ignore it, or it might be life changing.

Accountability is not this mountain in front of us. We learn from our mistakes and make better choices, even if other people can’t understand it. There is progress and peace in true accountability and it carries no guilt.

The moment we stop looking at everything as a punishment, we might be more inclined to take our lessons in stride and have a more joyful day to day life. And realise that we all carry our own weight, no need to put someone else’s baggage on our shoulders as well.

Have a lovely week, friends! 😊