There are two fool-proof ways to take any inconvenient situation and make it significantly worse. I have happily and unhappily been a participant of both approaches. They are on opposite sides of the spectrum, so if you have been playing around with one or both – there is good news: The stable and beneficial middle, is well within reach.
Approach 1 – Avoidance
When I gained about 20kg’s over my varsity years, I noticed it, obviously – but I didn’t really address the situation, as soon as I should have. It happened so systematically. Years of newly discovered alcohol; fries with mayo; unhealthy habits – not enough exercise. One December, we went for a nice family holiday at the beach around my fattest years and I came to a level of realisation – with a little bit of help. My brother’s girlfriend at that time, boldly asked me if I don’t feel self-aware to walk around in my bikini bottoms with no shorts to cover it. It didn’t phase me at all. I liked my bottoms in my striped bikini and I felt my bottom looked better than the rest of me.
I explained ostrich syndrome to her. That I don’t look at myself on a regular basis. In my mind – not faced with a mirror – I still looked the way I did, when I looked good in my bikini bottoms. If I am not faced with the truth – it does not exist. (I like honest people – this did not offend me)
Of course – the truth was pretty evident. I also used this truth to lose the weight, when I started working. The diamond shape in the striped bikini bottoms; forever kept in one of my mom’s photo boxes.
Avoidance is sneaky. In the moment you feel good. If an issue is not being addressed, we can ‘laugh’ and ‘ignorant’ it away. In fact – the general consensus by regular users of this approach, is that if a problem is ignored for a prolonged time – it will disappear. It is a shockingly wrong consensus. Problems or concerns does not seem to disappear when it’s ignored. It only worsens.
Avoiding difficult conversations, decisions or reality does not change the situation. It prolongs the inevitable and creates a wide-open space; ripe for wrong assumptions and misunderstanding. It also prevents all parties involved from adapting to the situation and creates a false sense of comfort. Avoidance from my reality and bikini bottoms only created a delusion for me, but was very obvious to those around me. When something is at odds – it won’t go away until it’s addressed.
Approach 2 – Overreaction
I tried to think of a comical situation where I over-reacted to use it as a reference in my Approach 2 debate. I thought about it for a very long time. But honestly – I have over-reacted so many times in my life, that it’s really hard to isolate a single incident. So here I am – exhibit A in Approach 2 – me.
Overreaction mostly stems from jumping to conclusions, based on substandard data in a manner where your emotions is up-front and central. Now, I’m sure a lot of you have justified over-reaction for fear of under-reacting to troublesome situations. I am going to burst that bubble – there is no such thing as under-reacting. As long as you are reacting to a situation – you are not avoiding it. The problem comes in with the ‘how’. When our emotions are up-front and central, we are no longer rational. We need rationality to digest all information and come to an accurate and reasonable conclusion. When we are emotional – we don’t care as much about facts, but more about feelings. Our own, to be more specific. And contrary to popular belief – men too, are emotional. It just reads different than women.
When something happens that you do not like and it does not sit well with you – it vindicates a response. But the stronger your own emotions are at that specific time – the higher the indication is, that you probably should not react right away. I have angry-walked really fast, to confront people about unacceptable situations, only to find out that my facts were insufficient or wrong. It is tiresome and emotionally draining to constantly react to emotions.
So here we have two approaches that are a sure thing to take any situation and only make it worse. We can take any scenario and apply both approaches to it and the effects will be very clear.
Someone in your close circle is hiding things from you. Avoiding will be to know it, but hoping that it will either go away or just ignoring it and play pretending that it does not exist. Over reacting to it will be to confront them and try to force the truth out of them. Neither of these approaches gives clarity on why they are doing what they are doing or come to a resolution. There might be some serious underlying issues and it will go unnoticed, because in both approaches – the focus is mostly on you.
The same with that nagging mild health issue. You can avoid it at all cost until there are only limited solutions left. Or you can overreact and think of the worse case scenario and make yourself sick. Neither approach is based on facts. Things aren’t always the way that it seems.
The great news is that in-between these two approaches, we can find a stable way of tackling any situation. If by nature you tend to avoid difficult things, take just one small proactive step into addressing situations. Acknowledge it first, and then start with the basics. If you’re naturally inclined to overreact – take a step back, get clarity or have a good nights’ rest. Tomorrow, or in a couple of hours, you will be able to be more objective.
When we find things on a spectrum, I feel that we can learn from both sides to find better ways in dealing with things appropriately.
We all have avoided some serious issues in our lives, for whatever reason. Whether we didn’t want to accept the reality, or whether we didn’t want to disturb the waters. We have also overreacted in many situations. Didn’t allow ourselves that breather. That break to get better perspective. It has been many years since I felt the need to use my ostrich syndrome to anything in my life or my bikini bottoms. By nature, as much as I momentarily enjoy the bliss with avoidance – I am more inclined towards the opposite direction. Yet, I would also like to think that I have learned significantly over the years, even if I still have my moments.
Every day we can use different approaches to a variety of scenarios and situations.
What colour bottoms do you choose to wear today?