“Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.”
― Roy T. Bennett

On a fateful night in 1998, my cousin was in a horrible car accident. She was 16 at the time, three years older than me. I still remember her frail body in the hospital with her beautiful long hair shaved off and the ventilating pipe in her throat – when we went to visit her.

She woke up from her coma after four months, but the accident severely affected her mentally and physically. This beautiful young girl’s live has changed forever.

But she was still alive.

Her life would not be easy. She would face challenges that no one would ever choose. There would be disappointments and some people would try to take advantage of her condition. Some would almost succeed. She would learn how to live with pain, fall down, get back up again. But in all of this she kept two important characteristics: Brutal honesty and a wicked sense of humour.

That woman did not have a filter. For a reason, but still. If you were going to say something bad, she would repeat it loudly and laugh. Swear words? She’d promptly rat you out. She would joke and be sarcastic and she was blatantly honest – whether you wanted to hear it or not. Yet, she was also loving and caring and truly appreciated the small things and the small gifts. Despite her constant pain. She struggled, yet she was still alive.

I sometimes feel that I just want to close my doors on the world outside. Protect myself. From all the brokenness and hurt. All the sickness and anger and frustration. Just close the doors, climb into a bathtub and escape into a wholesome book. Not thinking about whatever is going on, on the outside.

The problem with that is, it’s not living. And even more than my occasional hermit behaviour,  I do not ever want to be delusional about myself or my life. I’ve been frustrated with people who are deliberately trying to portray a perfect picture to the outside world, when behind the scenes it’s anything but. I don’t think dirty laundry should ever be on display, but intentionally misleading other people is only setting yourself up for heartache.

As human beings in general, we expect honesty from those around us. Yet – we seem to so easily lie to ourselves. Ignore reality, because the daydreams suit us better – despite the unhappiness in the long run.

Adeleen had to face the brutal truth about her life. Especially since she could still remember how and who she was before the accident. But she had support and love.

In life we will always lose loved ones. It’s a sad and inevitable part of life. A lot can happen in a night, in a weekend, in a year. We can’t live their lives for them, we can only live our own – but we should LIVE it.

So many people walk around with regrets, but do nothing to change it. Many people live in their delusions, instead of embracing the rawness of the truth and allow for it to start healing. So many people are perfectly content with: Just okay.

Adeleen died on Friday morning and I was very sad over the weekend. Not because of her death, but because of her life.

We all got older and busy, while she only aged. Our lives moved on, while she only had good or bad days.

I cried for my aunt, who for 16 years raised a beautiful girl and for 26 years after that, fully devoted her life even further to her daughter. I cried for all the times her heart was broken. And I cried because she had a damn hard life and still mocked mine and the rest of our family, when we felt sorry for ourselves. I cried, because I knew she was surrounded by love, even if she felt lonely at times.

If you are reading this, you are alive. You have the ability to laugh at yourself, be honest with yourself and change your stars. You can give and receive love.

That doesn’t mean life will be without pain and heartaches. There will be disappointments and frustrations. It just means that your attitude will determine the standard of your life. Something can truly suck, but you can still find something good in each day. Something to be grateful for.

When I close my eyes tonight, I think of Adeleen dancing in that low cut black dress at the last family wedding before the accident. With her long hair swaying and her laughter. And I will let my hair down tonight and dance as well. I will do it until I feel my heartbeat racing and the music inside my bones – and then I will do it some more. I will do it with a smile.

Because life is too short to be living someone else’s life – or not living at all.

Happy living!