I have learned from a very young age, that if you ask a direct question – most people will answer you. Last week, after I (again) broke my brain trying to understand why I had to cater for the fragile male ego at work. I asked my dad directly – and he simply answered – that I do not need to. Which was a bit contrary to what HR advice will be, I think.

Now, a bit of context – this is not an all men are the same post. This is most definitely not bashing hardworking men in the workplace. I have seen and admired the long working hours. I have seen the stress levels with targets and the instant humbleness with an audit. The worry and concern when things get dangerous.

But I have also had my own experiences of double standards, hypocrisy, criticism on my personality (not work) etc. So, the Spidey senses and defense mechanisms are on high alert; and you do not always react in the best and calmest way when pushed into a corner or thrown under that darn metaphorical bus.

So, as I was pondering my day, in the bathtub, I had a bit of an ‘ah-ha’ moment as I looked at my chipped red toenails and marshmallow feet that has not seen sun in months. (Fear not friends – it is currently repainted in pretty red and well attended to, albeit without sun exposure)

It dawned on me, that my unwillingness to cater to man’s ego, was because I was too busy coddling my own ego.

Imagine that…

Now friends, I always ask from you to check your motives. And I cannot ask something from anyone, without the willingness to do it myself. So, I checked my motives, as I regularly do. And my motives were selfish and prideful inclined. I could not even be a little bit diplomatic towards someone I felt was maybe technically not strong; and very sensitive, because my ego was not willing to compromise. I do want to clarify – I cannot force another person to compromise either, but I have at the very least some level of control over myself.

Now, I am not a particularly big fan of diplomacy. Mostly because from my own experience – very few people are diplomatic and honest. And because I value honesty above anything else, I perceive it differently. Lying to me kindly does not make me feel better than blatantly telling the truth. I am very well aware though, that most people do not agree with my sentiments. People seem to prefer nice dishonesty and ignorance. However, the true diplomats that can be honest, objective AND sensitive – those are people that should have all the respect in the world and it’s something I feel we all need to aspire towards.

So, even though being diplomatic is something I don’t regularly practice – it is not something impossible for me to do. It’s just a bit of an extra effort. Unless, of course my ego stands in the way. Then it’s a lot of effort.

There seems to be this idea that women do not have egos. That they are nurturing and caring by nature. The second part is true, if we generalise, but the ego part – nah… It just doesn’t present itself in the same way that a man’s ego will.

The same as saying that men are not emotional. Wrong. Anger, frustration, fear – are all emotions that men experience daily. They just don’t cry about it or analyse their own feelings to the bone.  Still emotions though.

So, women’s’ ego’s present differently. It can be guarded, independent – not needing anyone. Sometimes it can be charming, validation-seeking, polished; but pretentious. An inflated ego can be condescending and dismissive – hiding behind the rooted insecurity. The wounded ego can be easily offended and immediately doubt intentions. Some egos are analytical and detached from vulnerability. The competitive ego – I think we all can relate to this one on some level – comparing ourselves to others. And the ego we should try to indulge in – the grounded ego with self-awareness. Confident, open to feedback, empathetic, yet comfortable with boundaries.

When pushed into a corner, we all have different ego’s we access. We have ways that we look at ourselves, ways we present ourselves and ways that we want other people to look at us. When someone’s reaction to us, does not correlate with what we think of ourselves – our pride can get in the way.

So, if my own self was not top priority in my mind when I do something. In other words – if I can manage to not consider how I am being perceived in a situation, but my focus is on the bigger picture (of which I play such a tiny part in) – will it be possible for me to be a bit more diplomatic? If I understood someone else’s insecurities, not just my own – will I be more understanding? And if I had the ability to have insight, when someone else does not – should I not use it for good?

I will never be a supporter of people being ‘doormats’ and stepped on for other people to use. But I also think that our ego’s and pride are sometimes dominant in a conversation where empathy and understanding should prevail. Not to make excuses for bad behaviour or remove accountability and ownership – but simply, because if my own ego is also in the way – the layers and road to solutions is thick and bumpy.

So let’s try to remove our layered and frail ego’s, just a little bit?

It’s our ego’s that tells us that we can control, uncontrollable situations. Our ego’s that drives us to over-explain ourselves to people with no intention of understanding us. It’s also our ego’s that wants to hold people accountable, where they simply are incapable of admitting to some things. And our ego’s that expects justice from a place where there is only justification. It’s our ego’s that prevent us from silence and walking away, when we realise the debate on validating certain consequences is futile. Until we let go of that ego, the very same ego will be used against us in circling that darn mountain over and over again.

If we are truly comfortable with who we are – someone else’s insecurities will not cause more than superficial harm, when they lash out. It will have an ‘eh’ moment, and then we’ll move on. Because we’ll find ourselves grounded and confident. Or that is what we must try for every single day. I know it’s not easy, I also know that sometimes we have to accept things that is difficult. That it also comes with a level of disappointment. But, I also know that once we fully have reached that point where we are grounded – it comes with a level of peace that no-one can take away from you😊

Have a lovely and less fragile week friends!