“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” – Frank Herbert

There is a bit of an inside joke at work: “I just want to understand.” The amounts of meetings and sessions and conversations we have to ensure other people understand things, that is so seemingly easy for us to understand or maybe not as important for them to understand – can fill a roadside shop with jam bottles.

Some people are perfectly fine with not having to understand every small detail. Other people spend every waking minute trying to understand every single little thing.

I had a bit of a difficult time starting this blog. I do not believe in coincidences. I believe everything happens for a reason. We might not understand the reason while we are in the midst of things, but there is always something to learn – if we let go of the bitterness and control that smothers our hearts.

Life needs to have a purpose for me. If I’m going through difficult times, I always feel that this will not last forever. That the sun always shines after the rain. That spring always comes after winter. That there is always beauty in the breakdown. So when, with the best of my efforts and intentions, I fail to see a reason for something. When I cannot for the life of me understand something – I feel a little bit hopeless.

I don’t understand why people can be reckless with other people’s hearts. Why grown-ups don’t learn from their mistakes. I don’t understand why there is always collateral damage in other people’s stories. Why so many decisions are made on selfish wants. I don’t understand why some people pay the price for other peoples’ decisions. Or when bad behaviour is promoted.

I remember as a child we’d have these parks around town. And when my large family would come to visit, my cousins, brother and me would go across the road to the one closest to us. Enjoying the slide (that I’m pretty sure is a severe safety hazard nowadays.) Playing on the ‘hekse-hoed’ and the ‘rondomtalie’.

Where we would spin until it felt like your head was about to pop off your neck.

That is what not understanding feels like to me, sometimes. My head about to pop off my neck. Last year, I made peace with myself for not understanding certain things. I also made peace with understanding some other things. Sometimes we don’t want to understand. Sometimes you don’t want to see life from someone else’s perspective and when you do – it doesn’t change anything. You just ‘get it’ through your own pain.

I absolutely despise the feeling of hopelessness. I enjoy a good plot twist, I don’t like standing still or moving backwards to the familiar. I have an utmost need to move forward. Trying to understand everything gets me stuck. Stuck with a popping head.

And because I don’t like that feeling, I try even harder to understand certain things. Which only leads to more confusion. Even more of a stuck, popping hopeless head. And so, it would spiral.

But the rondomtalie will come to a stop at some point. And the dizziness will fade. The sky will be blue and quiet. And there will be hope.

Not hope in people. People will always disappoint us, just as much as we would disappoint others. Not because it’s deliberate, but because we are human.

Not hope in things, because everything can be taken away from you – when you least expect it.

Hope – that tomorrow we try again – not in understanding life or people, but that there is a bigger purpose in our lives. Hope that as long as we focus on being positive and with a whole-hearted intent to learn and grow – that tomorrow will be better. Not because something big and amazing is happening – but because in your day that consists of 24 hours, 6 – 8 of them you are asleep for – which leaves you with 16 – 18 hours of small joys; Positive thoughts – even if you indulge in the negative for a little while (Keep it short) – laughter through the breakdown.

I found myself in a similar situation this past week, to what I did 6 months ago. Eerily similar how many Deja vu moments I experienced prior to that week. And with each similarity – I knew this was my chance to make a different decision. Sometimes I got it right, other times I made the same choice.

The one decision I refuse to make again – is to lose hope and joy. The ability to be positive, even if everyone around you stays negative.

I don’t need to understand everything, to feel hope and joy. I don’t even need to like my circumstances, necessarily. But I can paint a green cactus for the green room. I can play on my guitar until BKK starts moaning for attention. I can dance around my house to Ma Baker all I want to. I can laugh genuinely and heartedly with those around me.

I can’t understand everything, nor can I make other people’s decisions for them. I don’t want to waste my time and other people’s time trying to figure everything out. I don’t want to be angry or upset.

I do want to wake up each morning with hope – expecting that today will be a good day – even if it’s because I laughed at myself, because I still don’t know how to miss the doorway.

And I so deeply hope – that if any of you ever felt anything remotely similar – that this can somehow help a little bit in your lives too.

Have hope friends. Not in other people. Not in things. The world is so much bigger, than you micromanage it into.

Happy hoping!