Have you ever watched a movie or a TV show and you just instantly related to one of the characters? Of course you have! We recognise a bit of ourselves in these characters and we just naturally relate to them. My brother and I once watched a movie and one of characters had red hair. He asked me whether I related to her (I still had red-coloured hair back then). I did not, though. Even though we both had different shades of red hair, just because she somehow looked like me – her personality (or at least the one portrayed on screen) was not close to my own, leaving me unrelatable to her.

Human beings relate to people that we have things in common with. We also tend to be very biased in our observations. We have the ability to place ourselves in other’s shoes, but we also need to modify it a little bit for it to fit better.

I have wondered though, whether in our everyday living – we truly can be objective? We all have mild opinions about everything. You might not discuss your opinions, it might not be a non-negotiable, but we all have our own ideas on different scenarios.

A couple of years ago I went to a colleague of mine to discuss a bit of a work-related problem and some objective advice. She related my work issue to a personal issue she had many years ago. I was left annoyed and frustrated, because even though I could understand her motivation to basically just get over it – the approach left me disengaged. She took my experience, changed it so that she could relate to it on a personal level and compared it.

The thing is though, as frustrated as I was – I have done exactly the same with other people. We take someone else’s story and we subconsciously relate to it. Sometimes we relate completely, sometimes we need to reshape it in order for us to relate to it. But in our subconscious perceptions of someone else’s story or situation – we have a predisposed bias.

I am a big fan of outside perspectives as a tool to help us see the bigger pictures into situations. But I’m also aware that information like that must be weighted and measured. Because while someone not directly involved in whatever circumstance you are, might help with seeing the bigger picture – they are also not in your shoes. And these metaphorical shoes are not a one-size fits all.

I know that I am occasionally the cause of frustrations for my parents – and my dad specifically. When he looks at a situation ‘objectively’ and knows exactly what the right thing to do is, but for some inexplicable reason I do not seem to get it. Or my actions are different to what his would be. And it’s frustrating. When you advise people based on your own observations and you know what is good for them, but for some reason – they are not doing it. Boy, have I felt that exact same frustration.

However, our travelled roads are different. And to put my dad just a little bit on the spot, he wears a size 11/12 beige slip-on slipper and I wear a size 6 creamy fluffy slipper boot. Even if our feet somewhat look similar. (Minus the red nail polish. On me, not him😊)

Which brings me to another conversation I had last week that started this whole mind-map. Someone asked me to put myself in the shoes of another person, not part of the conversation. And ironically enough – it’s something that I have been trying to do with some extreme outcomes on the spectrum. In this situation, I felt that there were already a lot of similarities in our shoes. Different colours, different sizes. The perceptions were different, but the effects the same, I suppose. And in that moment, I realised that with her question, she revealed her own bias, because of her own experiences.

I can understand why. Because she could not relate to me, she asked me to relate to someone else. Only then, could we be relatable.

She did nothing wrong. She didn’t do anything that any of us has not done at some point. But my story couldn’t change or become more appealing, just because she didn’t like how it related to her own reference.

We have subconscious biases. And because of that we need to be careful not to insert our own experiences in our advice with a possibility of dismissing their experiences or fears. And when we receive advise – know that people are biased and we need to have discernment when we go into a direction.

Everyone has something that they are invested in, or a mild incentive. Sometimes we influence people, because we want to prevent them from making the same mistakes we did, or mistakes in general. And sometimes people influence us, because they are also benefiting from a situation and they want to keep it that way. Sometimes we want to influence other people into a specific direction, without fully understanding the core of their feelings or the road that they travel internally – or the road that still needs to be travelled.

So, I have a challenge for you this week. Try to walk in someone else’s shoes, for just a little bit. Try to leave the bias at the door. Understand that your instep, bridge and foot-width are different. The shoe might sometimes fit – but you still walk differently in it. So, go for the experience and the empathy gained – but acknowledge, that it’s still not your shoe.

Have a lovely week friends!