March is International Women’s month, with the 8^th of March celebrated as International Women’s day. Which is probably slightly confusing to the men in South Africa, because in August we celebrate this again nationally. Is it necessary for women to celebrate two months of the year for something that they literally have no control over? Probably not, but we’re going to ‘have at it’ anyway. 😊 This is by no means or form a celebration of the 3^rd wave feminism. I have absolutely nothing that I agree with them on, so please just bear with me.

I was invited to an International Women’s day celebration after work, two years ago. It was a rough day, I left work late, had not water or electricity when I got home and the function started late. They gave us a lovely dinner, certificates, took photos with our shiny faces from the heat and had ‘motivational’ speakers sharing about their struggles as women in a predominantly male industry.  I was left wanting and ever so slightly disappointed – which I will explain in a bit.

This year, I celebrated it – by simply forgetting about it. I woke up without my alarm, enjoyed a lovely coffee outside watching the sunrise. Cleaned my house, cleaned my braaier, sprained my thumb, washed my hair. And I spent a lovely Sunday braai-ing, laughing and relaxing. It was not even a thought in my mind that I am a woman working in a man’s world.

I have to be honest – I have a bit of an aversion towards women-related sessions. High Tea’s and Women’s forums.  In my experience, these sessions are used to get together, share a platform to vent with ‘oohs and aah’s’, but with little solution. Other than a short-term emotional high and an almost incitement towards irrational thinking. I found it to be a celebration of mild victimhood, but ‘hear us roar’.  That has just been my own experience – I understand that it’s not the same for everyone.

But based on that, I find the tea sessions to lack a bit in authenticity. What I always wanted, was tools to make my work life slightly easier. Things that I can actively and concretely do and use, that will assist with reaching the exact same goal that all the men I work with has. Project success. Sure, it’s a different route and might have some systemic challenges. But I cannot benefit from a group of people focussing only on emotions and sharing sad stories and tell each other how great they are. Because honestly, we are not always great. We can be judgmental, manipulative, condescending, fake friendly, fake kind, egocentric, biased and interfering.

Women can be assholes too. Especially when we feel we need to defend our status quo.

A couple of years ago I read a study where they said specifically that 76% of high performing women receive negative feedback on their personalities, compared to 2% of men. Personalities, not performance. What I found very interesting, is that this feedback comes from both genders. In other words – if I make decisions at work, not only will those decisions be judged, but my tone, my face, my hair, what I wear, my chipped nails, my weaknesses, not knowing my place and probably also my whole history since I was 10 will also be weighed on – by men and women. It would have been simpler if the judgement was based purely on that decision made and how it impacted work related issues.

That is the type of tools I wish to gain. How to focus on the task and ways that the stereotypical behaviour does not burn a hole in your brain. On how to stay focused on the end goal, while not adopting bad habits that worsen the situation. On how to be authentic in your environment, while still holding high standards and performing on a competitive level. Without a burning insecurity or overwhelming frustration or anger. How not to hold on to some unfair responses. How to not jump to conclusions. Not because I am awesome or roaring – but because the challenges faced are different and requires a different approach. Being a woman in a position of authority is not an accomplishment in itself. What positive contribution did you make, while you were there is more of an accomplishment.

Now, because I know that I too can be a judgmental ass at times, I deliberately forced myself to look at these things from a different perspective. Even though our experiences, likes or dislikes are different – I do not want to be part of the ingenuity when it comes to women’s issues. Everyone simply wishes to be understood. Or at the very least – not deliberately misunderstood. And the first step is not to make myself heard, but to try to be open to hear others. Men and women.

Which brings me back to those damn tea parties or women’s forums. Even though a day of flattery may feel nice, I will always fear that with it comes a level of delusion. All talks and little action also frustrates me. However, and I do want to emphasize this – if these tea sessions are done with the intention to provide different tools and advice on what actually did have an impact; as well as mature problem solving – this can mean so much to so many women. And I absolutely value that.

Being a beer-girl at a tea party doesn’t make me down to earth. It probably just means I need to eat less cake. Our outlook on life and a state of gratuity determines your level of down to earthiness. Not brushing my hair, doesn’t make me carefree or unaffected by ups and downs. My daily choices still determine that. Our understanding should be based on more than what we see.

If we genuinely want to contribute to society in a positive manner – we need to be honest with ourselves. Our shortcomings and strengths; our true motives and what the actual goals and visions are – outside of our own ‘me’ nature. If that is based, genuine and long-term beneficial – let’s have all the tea in the world!

Have a happy tea- filled (or beer in moderation) week!

I have asked a couple of inputs from other people to largen my perspective. I would like to discuss it next week, simply because there are so many genuine voices out there. For me it’s about gaining tools – listen and then at some point put into action those learned experiences.