I have come to accept that I can be quite naive at times. I know – I don’t really have the nose for it, but here we are. When I was about 8 – one of my mothers’ friends said I was so cute – she wanted to adopt me. So of course – I waited. To be adopted. Not because my living arrangements was bad – but because I took what she said seriously.
In matric, at a sports event, a bleached blonde athlete from another school introduced himself to me as Casanova, flirted the entire night and took my phone number. So of course – I waited for that call – conveniently dismissing the Casanova part. On our matric holiday we met some lovely boys and they served us some special Italian Litchi-wine. It was only in my 1st year at university that I recognised the taste when we bought a cheap papsak wine. Yet – I had my own motives for choosing to take that seriously.
In life, there is a couple of things that forms our foundation. I’d like to think that each one of us has a set of non-negotiables. Our fundamentals or boundaries from what we would not deviate from. Religion, respect, moral values, human rights, bullying, types of ambition and certain priorities. Here is the thing though – everything outside of these fundamentals – should be up for negotiation or debate, at the very least.
One of my fundamentals is honesty and all aspects of it. Whether it’s being honest with myself or other people – my approach is upfront and direct. I have come a long road from my blatant rudeness in my younger years and learned an appreciation for some diplomacy and some tact, but the fundamentals are the same. My categories falling under truth and honesty, I have shared previously, but I just quickly want to mention them again: Blatant deception, withholding truth, misleading others, playing on emotions, pretention, manipulation – even flirting (but that’s because it needs to be obvious for me to notice it; and simultaneously, I really suck at it – as I was told many moons ago.) It all comes down to misleading someone into believing something that you want them to believe. So, my reaction to any inclination of this can be quite harsh.
But this is not about my somewhat rigid views on aspects of the truth. I take what people say at face value. This has left me disappointed and flabbergasted on many occasions, but the alternative is constant mistrust and bitterness – and even though I might have the nose for that – I simply don’t have the shoulders or heart.
I found myself pondering motives recently – and it consistently came up. Not just others’, but my own as well. A rule of thumb for me is to never expect something from anyone that I don’t expect from myself. If I am concerned about other people’s motives – I would like to evaluate my own first.
A couple of weeks ago, I offered up something that seemed unselfish and almost sacrificial. I told myself that my intentions were pure and that ‘it was the right thing to do.’ But to be honest – my expectation was merely on how I would be perceived, little bit of a ‘runaway’ syndrome and a lot of ego. As reality came crawling in – I realised that my intentions – even though it seemed fairly pure – was in fact not. I know, all of this seems a bit cryptic to whoever is reading this, but my message and full disclosure is: as pure as my intentions seemed to be – my motives were focused on myself – and therefor could not entirely be pure.
How often in life do we convince ourselves that we are doing the right thing, the sacrificial thing – but if we would actually take time to be honest with ourselves – we would realise that our motives are actually quite selfish?
And of course, we can all be a bit selfish. We live daily with our brains; our bodies; our thoughts, wants and needs. We are not robots or machines. To be selfish does not necessarily mean that we are focused on stepping on others’ to get ahead or destroying whatever or whoever is in our way. Most of us don’t live the lives of dictators or with the idea to conquer the earth or world domination. We are simply striving to what we believe will make us happy. And we make decisions based on that.
But because no two people think alike, we sometimes feel that we need to maneuver the situation in order for us to get to that. Because we know best. A guilt-trip here, an ego-boost there – the intentions are pure and no-one is getting hurt, surely? Sometimes people just need a little push. A little reminder. A little bit of influence, right? Hmmmm… Our little bit of confusion created can not possibly have long lasting effects, can it? Unless… the roles are reversed (Oh the horror!)
Whenever we are truly sincere – the effects will reflect on that. When we spend a short moment to reflect on our true motives – our direction will be guided. If we question our own motives, we can so easily eliminate a lot of consequences or disillusionment.
The word sincere to me is an extremely beautiful word. No pretense, no ulterior motives – just raw and from the heart. It’s smooth and flowy. Don’t we owe ourselves that, though?
Now, I am well aware that just because we check our own motives, will not by default mean that other people will do the same. But it does mean that we are not fooling ourselves. It also means that the weight we carry is lighter, fluffier and calmer.
Back to my first paragraphs. Rationally – why would another person want to adopt me from my great parents? Casanova – come on! And what school leaving young man on a budget (that I know) has access to Italian wine? They all had their innocent motives, just as I had mine and I still laugh about it all.
So, wherever you go and whatever decisions you make every single day – just check your motives, and make sure that there will be more than one winner. And even if you acknowledge that your motives are maybe not quite as innocent as you would like to think – it’s still more progress than that sweet little lie we sometimes tell ourselves.
May this coming week be filled with heartfelt authenticity and laughter!
Sincerely, me…