When I was a little girl and had my long nose stuck in books and all the happy endings – I used to beg my parents if we can take orphans in for the school holidays. My parents were never for that idea. Where I had the daydream, they were a bit more realistic about the consequences for all involved. Despite the finances that we didn’t have, they were looking out for my brother and me. But they also understood that providing just a holiday for a child that needed a family and then give them back, would probably be extremely damaging to the poor child as well.

Only recently did I understand the real damage a lonely child can experience with providing that temporary joy. To only get bits and pieces might leave you more wanting, with nothing concrete to get. To stand by the side-lines and watch people you learned to love build a happy life, while you are trying to survive each day on the crumbs you get, can be one of the cruelest things someone can go through.

When I was at university, a friend of a friends’ mom kicked her out of the house and I decided to ‘adopt’ her for a little bit. Considering the fact, that even though I was getting a small income through au pairing – I was still very much reliant on my parents’ supporting me. But, I wanted to help. I wanted to do something meaningful. So, we got her a job near where I lived and she had an opportunity to get back on her feet. Except – she didn’t want to. I lived too close to all the party places and going to work for a prolonged period of time seemed a bit too difficult for her.

My want to save other people never stopped. As a teacher, I was asked to give one of my problematic colleagues’, even more problematic teenager some guitar lessons and maybe have a positive influence on him. And I convinced myself that I did for a bit. But I was still young and stupid; and he still got involved with drugs and other issues.

It truly and honestly feels good to help people. But there is also a big difference between helping people and enabling them.

If someone finds themselves continuously helpless and the same people swoop in to save you – why would you ever need to not be helpless? Even if your own words say something else.

We all know that saying: If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man how to fish – he will eat for a long time after. But honestly, it’s much easier to just jump up and give people fish. It’s effort and time to teach them how to fish.

We feel good if we can help people in the moment. But do we consciously think of the long-term effects?

Because I have been burdened with knight in shining armour syndrome, it leaves me with 2 stances:

1. I have very little understanding of people continuously choosing to be helpless and are reliant on needing constant guidance in even the smallest of situations.

2. In my want to save, I do not always have the best judgement for what type of saving someone needs – or if at all.

I have always wondered, why I want to somehow ‘save’ everyone that crosses my path? I used to think that it’s because I am grateful for my own upbringing and want to share it. But truthfully – I think that on the days when the world hurts a little bit more, I possibly need a bit of saving too. And the carpet and echoes does very little to help with that. So I do, what I wish someone would do for me.

Yet, there is a bit of arrogance and misguidedness in hero-syndrome. We do it, because we like feeling needed. That we have a purpose. Yet, everyone else also have a purpose. And sometimes when our need to help, turns into continuously ‘saving’, we are merely enabling. And enabling never fixes a problem. We can’t fight everyone’s battles for them. Nor does our validation as human beings come in what role we think we should play in other people’s lives.

Some people will always appear to be helpless, and because of that, some people will always jump in to save them. Even if it means they will never learn to emotionally stand on their own feet. Maybe they already can, but being saved might be a bit more convenient. Our experiences in life are shared, yet how we handle it is so much different. Two people can go through the same experience, one using it to gain sympathy and protection; and the other see it as just part of life. I suppose that is everyone’s own choice.

People are fallible. We love, laugh, mislead, make poor choices, make selfish choices, give advice, put ourselves on a pedestal, want external validation, are rude, are caring, can be manipulative, live with regrets, play the victim, play the accuser and judge; and then look for a bit of stability in all the chaos. Then we do it all over again. People are around us, to enrich our lives and we must always be wiling to help someone in need. But we can’t save everyone, nor can we expect others’ to continuously save us.

Saving in the metaphorical sense, has just never been our job. That is the good news.

All of us are given the grace to handle each day. We are also given the tools to deal with whatever comes with that day. Sometimes it’s to save a bat at 1’o clock in the morning. Sometimes it’s simply to listen. Sometimes to support from a distance. Sometimes to give, sometimes to let go. Sometimes to accept a bit of help. Sometimes to learn to stand on your own two feet.

We are not heroes or damsels (or lads) in distress. We are all human – with ability and purpose – and that is a hopeful concept.